Speaking Verse

Introduction

I’m pretty much overwhelmed by all the assignments and writing that I have to do for the course I signed up for. So, I don’t have much time to keep this blog up to date. As I browsed through the poems section of Eleazar’s Writing Space I thought it would be a good idea to show you why I like that style of poetry. The style is very much looked down upon these days but back in the 1500s and 1600s, it was the style. I think of it as speaking in verse.

As a teen, whenever I was happy I would imagine that I’m on stage in a Broadway Production and respond to my family (parents and sister) in verse or song. My sentences would always rhyme. I will be honest here and say that I have trouble seeing non-rhyming, alleteration- and assonanceless poems as poetry. How can you call prose poetry?

Anyway, for the next few weeks I will post the work of John Bunyan, the author of the centuries old Christian Classic The Pilgrim’s Progress. He is my role model when it comes to narrative poems. You can read more about him here. This link will take you to the first chapter of the Book of Ruth which he versified.

Catching up

This is rather more like filling you in.

I don’t really know what to say. I have such a lot to say, so many things happened but does it matter to you, my readers? No one contacted me to hear how I’m doing during my absence or to hear how far I was with my research or thesis. So, I guess that what I post does not really matter or make a difference to anyone. It nothing more than a curiosity.

And you know what? That’s fine. In the end this blog exists for two reasons and two reasons only: (1) to express myself through writing and (2) for others to learn and grow from Eleazar’s Writing Space’s content whether it be my own work or someone else’s.

I would love to develop friendships in the WordPress community which I realise takes time and effort (to come out of my shell). But we’ll see how it goes. The best friendships are forged over a long period of time. The Lord will guide.

So, I’m back and hope that Eleazar’s Writing Space will inspire you, challenge you to do some introspection and give you some understanding on how and why some people you might know act or react the way they do. I also hope that it will bring a smile to your face and even make you chuckle.

I have a lot going on in my life right now (don’t we all?) so posting will be limited to one post a week and hopefully increase as time passes. I have a lot of writing assignments to submit which I will tell you about later. It does feel good to be back!

¡Hasta la vista!

E

EWS on Ice

Art on Ice from the Snow Collection

I guess you knew that this moment would come. I am finally done with my lab work and have begun writing up my thesis. The deadlines for the submission of the chapters are tight. Therefore, I won’t be able to post regularly. The posting is quick but the writing and revision take up a lot time, as you know my fellow bloggers.

I have a lot to tell you since my last Winds of Change post which was roughly six weeks ago. Such a lot of stuff happened during this time. I have grown in so many ways.

But because time is my most precious commodity now, the Winds of Change update will have to wait until January next year. I also won’t have time to keep Music Monday, Reviews, Rambles and the other content categories of Eleazar’s Writing Space going regularly. So, until January 2015 Eleazar’s Writing Space will be on ice.

On a side note, I was pretty disappointed in my last post. The poem is quite putrid by my standards. And I want to provide good quality content. So, instead of producing mediocre posts while I spend all my creative energy in writing my thesis, I decided put this blog on ice.

 

Until next year, may all go well with you and God bless you in every way He can!

E

 

Book Review – Prophet: a novel by Frank E. Peretti

Prophet by Frank E. Peretti

Prophet: a novel

Imagine having your world shaken to the point where you don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. Imagine having to choose the wrong just so that you don’t have to acknowledge your mistake. Imagine having to control co-workers and the stories they pursue just so that your conscience can remain violated and your secret remain undiscovered. For some people, like Tina Lewis, this is reality although they would never admit this little fact to themselves—let alone to others.

Tina Lewis, a character in Frank E. Peretti’s Prophet, is a content manager at NewsSix, the news department of Channel 6. Falling in league with the devil, she tries to suppress a story that would weaken Governor Hiram Slater’s chances of re-election. But John Barrett Jr. is determined to have the truth come out. John Barrett lost his religious kook of a father in the fight for the truth and would lose his estranged son if he did not take a stand and see the Truth prevail. In the process he sees through Tina hearing her cries and those of the City, shares his deceased father’s pain, reconciles with God, accepts his destiny and sees justice served at a cost to the chagrin of Tina Lewis and associates.

Never before have I encountered a story that is so real and has such depth. Although Peretti doesn’t delve deep into a character’s history as Lionel Trilling in The Middle of the Journey or Netta Musket in A Daughter for Julia, he does an excellent job at characterisation, communicating the characters’ backstories and their growth on the various issues explored in the novel. One of those issues being abortion as well as the privacy laws that allow minors to have abortions without parental consent or knowledge and the malpractice the secrecy engenders.

Peretti goes into a lot of detail sometimes repeating scenes and cues in the newsroom that the reader was already familiar with. Peretti spent a great amount of time describing the layout of the room and how the other reporters in the room were editing their news packages before John Barrett entered the room to edit the story he was working on. That said, he described the workings of a news room set in 1991 very well. If you did know how news gathering, sifting and broadcasting worked, you’ll have a better idea after reading this book.

His details made the story real to me. The main characters were well-crafted, the plot gripping, the gospel presentation well done, and most definitely thought provoking. One thing he set out to achieve was to have his readers consider where they stand on the issues of abortion, human rights, their relationship with Jesus, and the masks they wear. The supernatural dimension of the book was a bonus and quite refreshing for someone drawn to the supernatural and well-versed in science fiction and fantasy. Peretti also made use of different points of view not restricting himself to only telling the story from John Barretts’ perspective. At critical moments he switches views or uses John’s prophetic gift to give the reader insight into the reactions or motivations of the characters involved in a particular scene.

Prophet is 575 pages long (excluding the front and back matter) and could most probably have been cut by 10 to 15 pages due to the amount of detail. The book was published in 1992 by Living Books, a registered trademark of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

If you are into the fantasy, science fiction, or religious fiction, get your hands on a copy of this book. Peretti presents both sides of the abortion issue and some insight into the influence the media has on our behaviour and the choices we make. I recommend this novel to anyone interested in learning more. And if you just want to take a break from your regular diet of (genre) fiction, read Prophet. It will make you think.

Book Review – Bloody Valentine by James Patterson

Have you ever picked up a book expecting great things and then experienced a huge disappointment? Well, that was my experience with Bloody Valentine by James Patterson (the author of the Alex Cross series) with K. A. John. Bloody Valentine was most definitely not one of Patterson’s best. The book was published by Arrow Books in 2011.

On Valentine’s Day Jack Barnes, a wealthy restaurant owner, woke up filled with great joy as he went over the plans he made for him and his second wife, Zee. His first wife died in a tragic accident when the castle that he bought for her burned down with her inside. Zee experiences a bizarre and elaborate death as her heart is ripped out of her body while she was still conscious. As a sick joke, Zee’s heart was sent to Jack Barnes as a Valentine’s Day gift. The cops get involved interrogating all the residents in the Barnes’ apartment building. They go through the motions collecting evidence, interrogating suspects, analysing evidence including video footage and come up with almost nothing.

Patterson could’ve revealed the murderer in a less melodramatic, cliché way. The story itself had little depth. It felt like Patterson just went through the motions. He did, however, have me guessing who the murderer was as I tried to identify the red herrings, false positives and real clues. It was the first James Patterson book I read so I am not familiar with his style but the book does not come close to the works of crime writers such as Dame Agatha Cristi, Dick Francis, John Grisham, and even James Patterson himself.

So, if you are looking for an easy mystery to solve, for practice in identifying positive clues and red herrings, or just something to waste your money on, then this is the book for you.

Winds of Change: 316-296 days to go Part 1

I don’t even want to count how many days it’s been since my last post! This post has definitely been long overdue. I don’t know what it is with bloggers and thesis or dissertation writing. Despite our best intentions our thesis just seems to take up most of our time. We seem to channel all our energy into the work.

However, I must admit that it’s not only my thesis that’s been keeping me busy. I’ve had to confront a couple of character defects and inclinations during the past few weeks. I tried posting a couple of times but I guess I just wasn’t ready to post yet.

My accountability partner and I spoke for the first time in two weeks last week Wednesday when I had 300 days to go (DTG) to reaching a year of abstinence from pornography. I brought him up to speed and told him what I will share with you in this post.

But first, my dad’s eldest cousin died on Wednesday (300 DTG). We weren’t particularly close but I loved him. I was pretty shocked when my mom shared the news with me although I didn’t show any shock. My heart was quite heavy on Thursday (299 DTG) and Friday (298 DTG) to the point where I didn’t feel like doing anything. That all changed on Friday night.

My family was out so I had our home completely to myself. After putting on some worship music, I settled down. It was in that moment of resignation that I broke out in tears. The sense of loss could not be contained any more. I knelt down in prayer, thanked God for my cousin’s life and His Son’s life and cried for a while. When I got up from there, I felt so refreshed, so new, so consoled.

It’s amazing how grief affects a person. We’ve had deaths in our family before, but this was the first time I cried so wholeheartedly.

On Thursday and Friday (299 & 298 DTG) there were moments when I longed to look at porn or at least search for it. But thank God I did not seek comfort in the arms of lust. Yet, being in a I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset and having searched for photos on Flickr about stuff I would like to do naked (no frontal and non-artistic nudes) for said reason, I tried to come up with all sorts of situations (excuses) in which I would like to experiences sin ropa. But after searching for photos with the string “morning+sun”, I quit. I would like to photograph a male nude (actually, I’d like to be the male nude) standing in the door with a cup of coffee as light from the morning sun streams into the room, lace curtains breathing in the wind as sunlight bathes his body in warmth. I didn’t find that photo but I found a similar one. I saw other nudes during my searches to which I just closed my eyes either skipping passed them to get to the photos I wanted to add to my collection of landscapes, cityscapes, nightscapes, and other scapes or exited the search to start another or to work.

The I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset was brought about by my renewed interest in skimpy underwear—the male c-string, to be exact. I read reviews and comments on the garment to find out how comfortable it was. Is it painful to get an erection in one? And how practical is it really? How does it affect one’s urination routine? But the blogs and website provided no answers. I also checked out local online retailers of the male c-string to keep abreast with the prices and stock availability. I really wanted to buy but couldn’t bring myself to because of my present lack of income. But my frustration about searching for the c-string and not wanting to increased to the point where I decided to use some of the money I have to buy it. The male c-string is on its way.

Shortly after this, I decided to just get the skimpy underwear searches over and done with. After much thought and prayer I realised that there was one particular skimpy underwear I wanted—a strapless leather penis pouch. I saw it during my “men’s locker room” days (you can read about it here). Unfortunately for me, the pouch is so deeply buried in filth that after some censored exposure to extreme erotic underwear I just gave up. I decided that it wasn’t worth my time, effort, purity, and integrity to wade through the sewers of the Internet to find a hidden gem. I’d have dive very deep while its location is unknown. I thought I remembered the website where I saw it many, many years ago, but when I checked it out, it turned out not to be.

But, I wasn’t done. There were other thongs that I liked so I set out to find and add them to a watchlist. During the years, I developed a sense (of sorts) of knowing when a piece of underwear might be too risqué without having previously seen it. Because I wasn’t interested in how the undergarment looked per se as its description sufficed, I covered the photo with my hand. And I knew what I wanted.

So, when I went to the website on which I purchased the male c-string, I looked through the men’s underwear section for the type of underwear I would like to try. I favourited them and bought one. It came on Friday (298 DTG). To keep my mind from wandering I focused on my goal which was to find tight fitting, pouch undewear so that I can test their level of comfort and practicality for day-to-day life.

From this search I learned that I like underwear with form enhancing pouches that are slightly see-through and elastic. I have a few pairs of long johns that do not have pouches. I remembered now that prior to buying them I looked long and hard at the models on the cover of the boxes in which the long johns were packed to see whether the long johns had pouches. None of them had. So, I settled on the pairs I bought. Back then I thought that I was looking for a neurochemical hit, that I was being pervy, but now I think I was just unaware of my preference for underwear with pouches.

At this moment I have one thong among my collection of briefs, boxer briefs, boxers and long johns. I still prefer to “hang loose”. I wonder what a future girl friend or wife would think if I told her that I like wearing thongs. But, that’s for the future.

I will write a review on the thong and the male c-string. Whether I will post them on this blog is another story.

I celebrated my second masturbation abstinence anniversary on Wednesday (300 DTG)! To celebrate it, I hiked a trail close to campus and bought some ice cream the next day (299 DTG).

To be continued . . .

Winds of Change: 353-344 days to go Part Two

This post is forms part 2 of the 353-344 DTG series. I don’t know why I didn’t publish it. The post appears in block quotes because I had written it so long ago.

Such a lot has happened during the past few days! Due to lack of time, I will just give you the highlights.

Taking a load off

I finished all my articles for this month today (i.e. 350 days to go). Yay! My colleagues held a farewell tea for me this afternoon because I will be heading back to campus full time from 1 May. My contract with my job expires on 30 April.

With regards to my other work duties, I made some good progress with editing the audio tracks of a play I was part of. A lot of work remains to be done though.

Team playing

I suffered a major disappointment with my youth team and with the church elders. I’m still debating about the wisdom of posting my account of the events and the internal struggle I underwent. I want to post it, but it will give you guys the wrong impression of what Christians are like. I will be frank here: some of you don’t believe in God, in Jesus Christ, and have been hurt by Christian in one way or other. This is not a religious blog so I won’t write an apology. But, I’m sure you understand my hesitation. We are a infinitely far away from upholding the moral law we profess to hold, but we strive to by the grace of God. And that’s that. Just know that I really want to post it, but won’t if it damages the cause of Christ. (I already recorded the events.)

On the porn front

Things are a little shaky on the porn front. I really wanted to look at porn today, viz. to look at photos of people engaged in non-sexual nudity. But I did not. I won’t say that I ran away from Flickr but I did search for other things. I came across some very beautiful landscape, portrait, and wildlife photos.

My accountability partner has really been good to me. We had a great conversation on 350 DTG (days to go). We spoke about my fear of my lovely bride changing into a hideous monster overnight, being a sex fiend in my marriage and marrying someone I don’t really love. I asked him how one knows when one really loves someone and how important being in love is. How do you know when a woman is “the one”? And should you pray for a God-fearing wife every day of your life?

He basically said that God will show me who I am to marry. Being in love is an integral part of a romantic relationship. It’s the seed from which “loving each other” sprouts. He said that I don’t need to worry about being a brute in my marriage (or rather he agreed with my reasoning) because Christ transformed me. When you are in Christ that nature is layed aside. He then shared his experience with me. I agreed with him when he said that I don’t have to pray for a God-fearing wife every day of my life. It’s one of those things that God will supply in due course. My prayer should be that I am a God-fearing man for my wife and that God will keep us both faithful. He sent me some material on fear today.

Going digital

I got an eReader today! I was so excited! I can’t wait to load some books on it, but it’s charging now. A booklist has already been set up, I just need to buy those books. I’ve got a whole lot of books in my digital library that I want to read. It’s enough to last me a lifetime!

Why not take the poll in the pane on the right and tell us which format of books do you prefer? I’m an old fashioned guy so I like hard copy books.

Winds of Change: 355-354 days to go

This post covers events and thoughts that happened yesterday (Good Friday) and the day before. I hope you have a wonderful Easter!

On the porn front

Well, this morning (354 days to go (DTG)) I had a slight mishap in which I accidentally saw a porn pic while browsing through people’s profiles on Twitter. Shocked, I placed my hand over the picture and pressed the back button as quickly as I could while closing my gaping mouth. It was not something I wanted to see neither did I think Twitter would allow such a photo as a profile pic. I’m glad I acted instinctively and did not linger.

Reading pleasure

I wanted to read the novel, A Daughter for Julia in two non-consecutive 30 minute periods yesterday, but I did not. Instead I researched snake anatomy and read a chapter or two of a book on the Celts which I picked up from the post office yesterday. So, I spent some time reading about the druids and their kings and chiefs. The author compares Celtic society to Indian society (from the Indian Peninsula in Asia) drawing a lot of parallels between the two cultures based on the etymology of Celtic words. Surprisingly, the roots of Celtic words have a lot in common with Sanskrit.

The rest of the day I spent reading through articles for my thesis and watching movies on TV.

A word on writing

While studying, i.e. reading articles for my thesis, I asked myself the question I had asked numerous times before: do I see myself doing this (writing) for the next 10 to 20 years? The answer that came from within was an emphatic ‘yes’. There was a self-assurance to the answer that had not been there before. When I began my studies in science I knew that I did not want to be a scientist forever. The image of being cooped up in a lab for 16-20 hours did not appeal to me. With writing I can plan, dream, daydream, feel free to ask for help, set goals and work towards them and, by God’s grace, inspire and encourage others. And that is what life is all about to me–using your talents to give God glory and encourage others in the process. All done with a self-reliance that this is what I’m meant to do.

There is the perspective that I’m lingering in my comfort zone. We hear so much about getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks and whatnot. Then, there are people like Marcus Buckingham who advise you to play to your strengths which in effect is sticking to your comfort zone. And yes, playing to your strengths does offer you a lot of room for growth, but true character is shown in how you manage your weaknesses. This build resilience and fits you for leadership because of the multitude of tools and coping mechanisms that adverse circumstances (e.g. exposure of your weaknesses) adds to your toolbox.

So, yes, writing might be my comfort zone–my strength–but descriptive writing, especially describing action scenes, is a weakness that I am prepared to master. One could also say that the lab or an academic institution is my comfort zone because I’ve been in school for more than 16 years. And to be honest I don’t care whether I’m in my comfort zone or not, as long as I reach the goals I set and help others along the way, ever learning in the school of Christ.

There remains one risk that I have to take. There’s one thing that I’m very afraid of and yet I need to experience it: dating and break ups. To be a writer of good fiction I need experience in the dating scene and break ups. So, when this year of porn recovery is done that will be my goal. I will embark on the dating scene, of romantic interaction with the fairer sex, with the aim of settling down (and gaining experience). But we’ll see how all of this plays out. It’s no use building castles in the air when the reality very different.

Your thoughts

So, what are your goals, wishes, and dreams as writers, musoes and creators? What do you wish to accomplish with your art?

Winds of Change: 360-356 Days To Go

Today (356 DTG (days to go)) I finished an article for next month’s update/edition of the website I write for. It wasn’t one of my best because I tried to find information on the link between two conditions in the scientific literature but found conflicting results. I am also under a lot pressure at work because I’m heading back to the lab next month. But I finished the first draft of the article.

Thought control

I also struggled to keep my thoughts under control as they tried to run off to start a new story about dragons, magic and the human descendants of those dragons who control the elements. My inspiration for this story, or this world I tried to invent, came from the research I did for a sculpture I will make.

The golden thread of truth

I also made the mistake of reading about Greek mythology. As much as I tried to find some coherency, some morality, some semblance of truth, or the golden thread of truth, I just couldn’t find any. Take the story of Arachne and Athena, for example. Arachne, Athena’s best student in her weaving school, became conceited. She boasted that she weaved better than the goddess. So, the gods arranged a contest in which the two could weave a tapestry on any theme. Athena wove about beauty, I think, while Arachne chose the gods’ sexcapades. Infuriated by Arachne’s choice of topic, Athena transformed her into a giant spider. Now my question is, why the double standard? Why be angry at a mortal for showing the rest of the gods what everyone knows to be “true”? Why not hold the gods responsible for their mistakes, if they are mistakes? Why are their gods so petty, envious, short tempered, mischievous, lecherous, debauched, cruel, etc.? Aren’t they supposed to be better than humans?

So, throughout the past couple of days, I’ve been reading about dragons, Greek/Roman dragons and the myths that surround them as well as their morphology and anatomy. (You now have a clue of one of the components of the sculpture I will make.)

A Daughter for Julia

In desperation to change the kind of stories I think up, I decided to spend 30 minutes every day reading a novel. Everything else I read is non-fiction or research based. So, today I began reading A Daughter for Julia by Netta Muskett.

On the porn front

On the porn front things are going well. The desire to look at pictures of naked people surfaced today and yesterday as I stressed about my work, the upcoming church youth camp, and the mini-campaign/prayer meeting series that follows the camp. To take a break from writing or just to clear my head, I performed some Flickr searches on bodies of water (waterfalls and lakes) and the activities surround them (swimming, jumping, diving, not bathing or showering), saw some dubious pics which I skipped passed them as quickly as I could.

On Sunday (359 DTG) I had a wet dream. (For those of you who have recently discovered my blog, I record the wet dreams I have to see how circumstances (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, sexual and environmental) affect their frequency.)

So, things are going well. My relationship with God is good and He is helping me with my career and otherwise. Knowing that Frank (not his real name), my accountability partner, is rooting for me means a lot.

Seeking discipline

Right now, I’m trying to be more disciplined with stuff by making work now, play later my motto. I started today and it was tough! But, Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither does discipline. Or as I like to say, “Something that’s ‘worth the effort’ doesn’t come without effort.”

Strange as it may sound, I think I have to win my trust first that there will be “play time” before I’m into a disciplined lifestyle with all my heart and soul. Therefore, I have introduced little “rituals” into my life such as brushing my teeth every night, moisturising my skin, spending time with God at the same time every night, getting a full night’s rest, reading a part of a novel for 30 minutes everyday when I get home, etc. I tried to make myself more disciplined a couple of years ago but failed quite dismally. I even made a chart, laminated it and recorded my faithfulness. Somehow it was easier to be disciplined in school.

So, that sums up the past few days for me. Hope you have a GREAT Easter weekend! Mine starts tomorrow after work.

Winds of Change: 365-361 days to go

Let me start off with a short disclaimer. This post might turn out to be a little morose since that’s the turn my life has taken. And I know that we humans don’t like reading dark, sad, self-deprecating prose (poems seem to be fine).

The thing that caused me the greatest amount of sadness is not the failure in my porn recovery programme I experienced a week ago. The greatest source of sadness for me is looking back and seeing the bad choices I made in my study programme. I made some pretty poor ones.

  1. I embarked this programme knowing that I did not possess the set of skills needed to make a success of it. The programme requires me to program computer models.
  2. I did not take the time to evaluate if this study was actually what I wanted to do. I wasn’t.
  3. I became notorious for breaking stuff even though I was not the one who broke them. I merely reported. Although I had my fair share of breakage. I broke a high performance liquid chromatography (HPLC) machine when I left the pumps on water for two weeks. I forgot that they should be left on methanol if they remain idle for such a long time. The pumps rusted. We waited three months for the technician to come and fix the machine.
  4. It seemed like a dark cloud hung over everything I did and that people always scrutinised and judged me badly. Of course this wasn’t true but that was my reality.
  5. Whenever I dealt with the drug discovery realm I became energised while my field of study drained me. There were certain experiments that gave me energy, but then I would soon lose my fire.
  6. Because of this cloud that seemed to follow everywhere, I never felt at home in the lab. I always felt like I belonged somewhere else. I had bought into the belief that things should just come come naturally or flow if you had talent and were meant to do something. This was not the case in the lab even during undergrad.
  7. I became lazy with updating my lab book. Don’t let me get started on this point! Principly-speaking, I have two record books: a note book in which I recorded all my activities in the lab on a daily basis and a lab book which is the official, prettier version of the note book. I’ve kept the former up to date but not the latter due to the cloud that hangs over my head.
  8. My pride and my desire to be intelligent–false bravado, if you will–kept me from asking for help when I should have and caused me to ask for help when it wasn’t necessary.
  9. When my MSc class was given to option to choose to remain on the old system where you’ll only be graded on your thesis, I chose to be on the new system. In the new system, you are graded on your lab book, progress report presentations, defence, thesis, and a couple of other things. I feel stupid for choosing the new system thinking that it would motivate me to excel. The choice had the opposite effect. The pressure on me makes me want to run away.
  10. I just feel like I have a bad reputation in the department and that I am incapable of changing people’s perceptions. Because no matter what you do, people will always think the worst of you. (I’m using a lot of superlatives . . . )
  11. All of these choices and perceptions culminated in losing the respect of my supervisors. And that is the hard pill to swallow for me.
  12. I’m also worried that my thesis won’t make the cut. In my opinion, the number of aspects of my thesis resemble an undergraduate science project. I don’t have a lot of positive results and need to do three kinds of experiments with good results to have a solid thesis. Therefore I need time in the lab and for the organisms to grow well.
  13. Another reason for the preceding worry is that the subject of my thesis forms part of a larger work. Because my study is a subsidiary of the larger study and was partially (and could easily have been) covered by another student, I feel as if my study is almost worthless. I’m afraid of talking about this view because I fear how it will be received by my supervisors and support network. They might think that I am narrow minded, unintelligent, or stupid for thinking like that. I’m also afraid of being right. The rock and the hard place.

I’ve felt like quitting my master’s programme many times, but because I see myself as a fighter I push through. There’s no doubt about it, I’m a people pleaser. I’ve made peace with that fact. So, disappointing my supervisors saddens me greatly. Yet my disposition to prove myself and to work autonomously seems to counter-act my people pleasing disposition. More often than not, I am caught between a rock and a hard place, not knowing which principle to follow. My analytical mind goes into overdrive as I play out various scenarios to determine which course of action will be best. I pray to God and ask family and friends for advice, but only when I can’t find a win-win scenario.

(I’m trying to keep things light here.)

I’m still not done with my literature review because I’m still figuring out where I will go with the computational part of my study. This worries, saddens and stresses me because I disappointed my supervisors again.

Where do I go from here? What do I do?

Writing is my passion. I’m not a good fiction writer because of my decision to not read fiction. But that all changed a few weeks ago, when I realised that not all fiction is bad. I guess the reason why I was drawn to erotica (which involved sex and/or embarrassing moments) was due to the story element. So, I never stopped reading stories. I just stopped reading the good kind of fiction opting to fill my mind with bad, filthy fiction. Now I am learning to read, analyse, and write good fiction.

I’ve also decided to become a technical writer. It offers more career options than science writing. And I’m definitely not science journalism material. When the pressure becomes too much, I zone out, my performance drops, and I read up on topics that interest me. I run away for a time. I lose my fire.

I took time out to flesh out my dream to be a published author. Initially I thought of publishing devotionals, short stories, op-eds, and book reviews on a website under my real name using social media to attract traffic to the blog.

Yesterday (day 362), however, I realised that it’s a lot of work and that it’s not the best way to get your name out there. So, what I will be doing is write those pieces and submit them to websites and blogs for publication. They will be rejected, that’s a given. But the whole process will train me to be a good author of non-technical writing.

To write good fiction I will have to improve my ability to write descriptively. I always sucked at descriptive writing even at school mainly because I didn’t understand its importance in narrative writing. I’ve always been good with plots. (There I go tooting my own horn again!) I don’t know whether I’m a plotter or not, because I enjoyed sitting and seeing the plot develop as I wrote.

Amid all the uncertainty of the future, of my failures and successes, perceptions and attitudes, three things are true: (1) I want to be a widely published, well-renowned author of fiction and non-fiction work; (2) I want to bring glory to God with my talents and abilities; and (3) I want to inspire, encourage, and uplift people through my writing as well as make them laugh with my wicked sense of humour–believe it or not.

Although I don’t have answers to all my question and although I don’t know where I will find myself in 10 years’ time, let alone knowing with who, I know that God will work things out for my good and that of others.