EWS on Ice

Art on Ice from the Snow Collection

I guess you knew that this moment would come. I am finally done with my lab work and have begun writing up my thesis. The deadlines for the submission of the chapters are tight. Therefore, I won’t be able to post regularly. The posting is quick but the writing and revision take up a lot time, as you know my fellow bloggers.

I have a lot to tell you since my last Winds of Change post which was roughly six weeks ago. Such a lot of stuff happened during this time. I have grown in so many ways.

But because time is my most precious commodity now, the Winds of Change update will have to wait until January next year. I also won’t have time to keep Music Monday, Reviews, Rambles and the other content categories of Eleazar’s Writing Space going regularly. So, until January 2015 Eleazar’s Writing Space will be on ice.

On a side note, I was pretty disappointed in my last post. The poem is quite putrid by my standards. And I want to provide good quality content. So, instead of producing mediocre posts while I spend all my creative energy in writing my thesis, I decided put this blog on ice.

 

Until next year, may all go well with you and God bless you in every way He can!

E

 

Winds of Change: 295-272 days to go

It’s been quite some time since I last posted, eh? Well, I’ve been working on my thesis and finishing up the last couple of experiments in the lab. Quite a lot of stuff happened since my last post but for the sake of time and brevity I won’t get into those things now. You should know by now that I will get back to the events and the self-discoveries in the near future. I’m a rehasher, a cud chewer. 🙂

Where do I stand with my thesis? I’m still writing and reading up for the literature review. At the same time I am processing my data, fitting equations and thinking about what to say. The latter I find difficult to do since I like seeing the big picture before diving into the details. I have seen the big picture but am struggling to hash out the details, i.e. making the equations fit the data. (My project has a computation component.) Next Friday will be my last day in the lab so that I can focus on writing up my work.

On the porn front I don’t know what to say really. A couple of weeks ago I was in a let’s-just-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset. I just wanted to be done with stuff. So, I dived in and looked for the skimpy underwear that I subconsciously looked for. Suffice it say, I started wading through sewage. My reflexes were active so as soon as I saw some junk I averted my eyes and exited the page. All the bullets I was dodging got too much for so I decided to call of the search. I chose not search through the sewers of the Internet for a strapless leather penis pouch. Although not extreme, it could only be found on the extreme side of the underwear world. And I was not going to jeopardise my porn abstenance any longer. I have not been back since.

I did, however, purchase a c-string and a pouch thong to see how comfortable they really were. The c-string I bought because it can be used while sunbathing (to protect my goods). The pouch thong I bought to see whether it hampers erections and how painful having an erection in one really is. I can satisfactorally say that the pouch thong impedes erections and isn’t painful to wear at all. I was worried about developing Peyronie’s Disease though but did not. Using the bathroom with it was also fine. It was the first thong I ever wore. I purchased three skimpy underwear so far. When I work again I will order two more.

With the let’s-just-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset I also expanded my Flickr favourites album to include photos of non-sexual activities I’d like to do naked one day. To achieve this I had to go back on my resolution to not search for stuff with the words naked and nude in the search string. I saw some unwanted pics which either I literally closed my eyes to and scrolled on or exited the search completely. To be honest, I found the fact that I was search for “nude hiking”, “nude kayaking”, “bare boating”, etc. a little disturbing but I knew that if I didn’t get it over and done that I would want to search for those images again. Why? Because those are my dreams. I kept thinking about doing those activities naked so that I don’t forget that I’d like to do them. So by adding them to my Flickr Favourites album I wouldn’t have to remember that I’d like to do those activities anymore.

I hadn’t been on Flickr for three full weeks until last Friday (277 days to go (DTG)) out of stress and the impractically of going on a short hike while it rained outside. I needed to clear my head while contemplating a data processing problem. It felt good to back on Flickr but I felt so bad because I broke a promise to myself, a resolution. I also returned to Flickr because despite the glimpses of frontal nudity I got during my non-nude searches, the landscapes and activities I search for relax me. I didn’t stop looking for photos though. The same searches I had done on Flickr—that is, “hot tub”, “hot spring”, etc.—I searched for on Twitter. And there I saw some dirt. Twitter is not a good source for water-related images. They Twitter searches shocked my sensibilities so I’ve classed photo searches on Twitter with Google Image Search, Tumblr and Experience Project: a “No Go” zone. So, I’m back on Flickr.

The two questions I noticed myself asking are (1) “What images will Twitter produce for these search terms?” and (2) “Does this [Flickr] user have more photos like these?” Question 1 I don’t have to worry about anymore because I’m avoiding Twitter searches. Question 2 I am training myself to not explore. I take it one day at a time.

Art-wise, I finished Witness: a new perspective on the New Testament church and will post the book review on Friday, 11 July. I also finished Bloody Valentine by James Patterson and K. A. John. The review of that book will be published next week Friday, 18 July.

One last word: I can’t wait for the summer! It’s extremely cold! I don’t mind the rain. In fact, I love rain. It’s the cold, I mind. But what would winter be without the cold, eh?

Ciao!

Winds of Change: 316-296 days to go Part 1

I don’t even want to count how many days it’s been since my last post! This post has definitely been long overdue. I don’t know what it is with bloggers and thesis or dissertation writing. Despite our best intentions our thesis just seems to take up most of our time. We seem to channel all our energy into the work.

However, I must admit that it’s not only my thesis that’s been keeping me busy. I’ve had to confront a couple of character defects and inclinations during the past few weeks. I tried posting a couple of times but I guess I just wasn’t ready to post yet.

My accountability partner and I spoke for the first time in two weeks last week Wednesday when I had 300 days to go (DTG) to reaching a year of abstinence from pornography. I brought him up to speed and told him what I will share with you in this post.

But first, my dad’s eldest cousin died on Wednesday (300 DTG). We weren’t particularly close but I loved him. I was pretty shocked when my mom shared the news with me although I didn’t show any shock. My heart was quite heavy on Thursday (299 DTG) and Friday (298 DTG) to the point where I didn’t feel like doing anything. That all changed on Friday night.

My family was out so I had our home completely to myself. After putting on some worship music, I settled down. It was in that moment of resignation that I broke out in tears. The sense of loss could not be contained any more. I knelt down in prayer, thanked God for my cousin’s life and His Son’s life and cried for a while. When I got up from there, I felt so refreshed, so new, so consoled.

It’s amazing how grief affects a person. We’ve had deaths in our family before, but this was the first time I cried so wholeheartedly.

On Thursday and Friday (299 & 298 DTG) there were moments when I longed to look at porn or at least search for it. But thank God I did not seek comfort in the arms of lust. Yet, being in a I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset and having searched for photos on Flickr about stuff I would like to do naked (no frontal and non-artistic nudes) for said reason, I tried to come up with all sorts of situations (excuses) in which I would like to experiences sin ropa. But after searching for photos with the string “morning+sun”, I quit. I would like to photograph a male nude (actually, I’d like to be the male nude) standing in the door with a cup of coffee as light from the morning sun streams into the room, lace curtains breathing in the wind as sunlight bathes his body in warmth. I didn’t find that photo but I found a similar one. I saw other nudes during my searches to which I just closed my eyes either skipping passed them to get to the photos I wanted to add to my collection of landscapes, cityscapes, nightscapes, and other scapes or exited the search to start another or to work.

The I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset was brought about by my renewed interest in skimpy underwear—the male c-string, to be exact. I read reviews and comments on the garment to find out how comfortable it was. Is it painful to get an erection in one? And how practical is it really? How does it affect one’s urination routine? But the blogs and website provided no answers. I also checked out local online retailers of the male c-string to keep abreast with the prices and stock availability. I really wanted to buy but couldn’t bring myself to because of my present lack of income. But my frustration about searching for the c-string and not wanting to increased to the point where I decided to use some of the money I have to buy it. The male c-string is on its way.

Shortly after this, I decided to just get the skimpy underwear searches over and done with. After much thought and prayer I realised that there was one particular skimpy underwear I wanted—a strapless leather penis pouch. I saw it during my “men’s locker room” days (you can read about it here). Unfortunately for me, the pouch is so deeply buried in filth that after some censored exposure to extreme erotic underwear I just gave up. I decided that it wasn’t worth my time, effort, purity, and integrity to wade through the sewers of the Internet to find a hidden gem. I’d have dive very deep while its location is unknown. I thought I remembered the website where I saw it many, many years ago, but when I checked it out, it turned out not to be.

But, I wasn’t done. There were other thongs that I liked so I set out to find and add them to a watchlist. During the years, I developed a sense (of sorts) of knowing when a piece of underwear might be too risqué without having previously seen it. Because I wasn’t interested in how the undergarment looked per se as its description sufficed, I covered the photo with my hand. And I knew what I wanted.

So, when I went to the website on which I purchased the male c-string, I looked through the men’s underwear section for the type of underwear I would like to try. I favourited them and bought one. It came on Friday (298 DTG). To keep my mind from wandering I focused on my goal which was to find tight fitting, pouch undewear so that I can test their level of comfort and practicality for day-to-day life.

From this search I learned that I like underwear with form enhancing pouches that are slightly see-through and elastic. I have a few pairs of long johns that do not have pouches. I remembered now that prior to buying them I looked long and hard at the models on the cover of the boxes in which the long johns were packed to see whether the long johns had pouches. None of them had. So, I settled on the pairs I bought. Back then I thought that I was looking for a neurochemical hit, that I was being pervy, but now I think I was just unaware of my preference for underwear with pouches.

At this moment I have one thong among my collection of briefs, boxer briefs, boxers and long johns. I still prefer to “hang loose”. I wonder what a future girl friend or wife would think if I told her that I like wearing thongs. But, that’s for the future.

I will write a review on the thong and the male c-string. Whether I will post them on this blog is another story.

I celebrated my second masturbation abstinence anniversary on Wednesday (300 DTG)! To celebrate it, I hiked a trail close to campus and bought some ice cream the next day (299 DTG).

To be continued . . .

Winds of Change: 323-317 days to go

Today I have 316 days to go (DTG) for a year of abstinence from pornography. I am also 16 days away from celebrating my second year of abstinence from masturbation! The post that follows was written yesterday to summarise the whole of last week. In it I discuss my thesis, nudity & nudism and some other things.

Please remember to take part in the poll. There is only one week left and so far only four people responded.

I’m sorry that it has come to this, but my time is not my own anymore. I’ve been working late this whole week and have been too tired to write every night. So from now on, until my situation changes, I will post once a week.

Changing approach

I realised today (318 days to go (DTG)) that the reason I struggled with writing my literature review is because I’m trying to make my ideas fit into a mould that is foreign to me. It’s not my style. Let me explain. My research is based on previous student’s PhD and MSc theses who wrote his literature review in a certain way. I’ve been trying to copy that format with great difficulty because my writing style leans more toward narrative writing. He described the biological big picture of his PhD thesis and then the individual elements he studied followed by the theoretical framework he applied. But, my natural inclination is to describe the individual elements as I encounter them during my description of the big picture—as you would do when relating a story. When introducing a new character in a story, the story teller usually gives a brief description of the character as well as some background information. That’s how my articles were written during my internship.

So, tomorrow I will go to my co-promoter and ask her opinion. But, my literature review has been a laborious exercise up to now. And I usually like reading and writing review articles.

My experiments went well last week. We have to repeat one of them though. During a meeting I had with my promoter (a.k.a. my professor) on Friday (319 days to go) I saw while we were going over the results that he was giving me advice on how to write up that experiment in my results chapter. I don’t know why it didn’t register before. I was most probably trying very hard to decode what he had asked me to do in terms of future experiments.

During Friday’s meeting, he asked me to do a calculation but my mind went completely blank. I really struggled to do it. I didn’t expect him to ask me to calculate something—a very simple thing, I might add—on the spot! Nada. Nought. Zilch. Nil. Absolutely nothing went through my mind. I did try to answer the question though but my answers were all wrong! Surprisingly I didn’t feel like a failure.

Fatal attraction to complexity?

During this week I discovered that I am drawn to complexity. Nudism offers a lot of complexity because it and the nudity it celebrates affects a person and society on so many levels. Some keywords associated with the philosophy are freedom, health, sun, surf, acceptance, confidence, body image, non-sexual, sexual, perversion, moral, amoral, immoral, choice, judgment, legal, and self-control, to name just a few. As you can see from this list, nudity engages us in the religious, moral, legal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, health, and political spheres all at the same time. Which sphere is more affected depends on the situation in one finds oneself and the values with which you judge nudity. As I have said many times before, even ad nauseaum, I am not a propounder of social nudism because it breaks the gender segregation taboo which I believe is a moral principle. And even if the gender segregation taboo is not a moral principle, I cannot in good conscience break the taboo while I retain membership in a church that upholds it. It would be hypocritical of me. And I am not a hypocrite.

You can see how easily a discussion on nudity and nudism can let me go on a tangent. So, what I wanted to say is nudity and nudism are complex topics which my mind is drawn to in order to figure them out. I am inclined to dissect the issues they create and those that created them in all the spheres of life. This would ultimately make me an expert in nudity and would lead me in the direction of gender studies which I also interests me. I just decided to stop gathering information. I have other complex things that need my attention.

So, after I decided to quit studying nudism and the body taboo, I read some more articles on it. I also contacted nudist organisations in my area to ask if they know of any places remote, unofficial, nudist-friendly places where I can skinny dip and sunbathe nude without having to worry about shocking people and embarrassing moments. I am still waiting to hear from them. I also contacted places I would like to vacation at in the near future to hear whether the owners or managers are okay with nude sunbathing and swimming. The owners did not have a problem.

I felt uncomfortable contacting owners of holiday accommodation asking them whether it’s all right to sunbathe, swim and lounge around nude. I didn’t want them to think that I was a nudist. And I worried how it would impact my witness for Christ. So, I just decided that I wouldn’t ask owners about this anymore. It gives the wrong impression. I asked the owners if they permit these activities because one nudist on an online forum had said that it’s a good idea to call the management of your remote, unofficial nudist-friendly accommodation and alert them to your intention of being naked during your stay there. I’m not a nudist, won’t be naked all the time and don’t want to give the wrong impression so I won’t be contacting any more owners or managers.

Library expansion kit

On my way home from school on Friday, I picked up three books at a discount store for US$1.00 each. One book is Simon Cowell’s autobiography while the other two are novels: a literary fiction novel of a Muslim guy and a story about a man who runs away when disaster strikes or when he messes up. Today (317 DTG) my uncle lent me John Grisham’s The Innocent Man which is based on a true story. I have to finish Jack J. Blanco’s Witness: A fresh look at the New Testament church and its book review as soon as possible.

One step closer

Today (317 DTG) I also bought steel wire for my future sculpting endeavours. All I need to buy now are calipers, wooden planks, clay, foil and masking tape. I’m pretty excited. I will tell my parents about my desire to sculpt when I go to buy the planks. Clay will be the last thing I will buy.

In summary

Not much happened between Monday (323 DTG) and Thursday (320 DTG) except for me analysing data, preparing a report for the meeting with my professor and figuring out things related to nudism, as already discussed.

I had a wet dream yesterday morning (318 DTG).

Winds of Change: 365-361 days to go

Let me start off with a short disclaimer. This post might turn out to be a little morose since that’s the turn my life has taken. And I know that we humans don’t like reading dark, sad, self-deprecating prose (poems seem to be fine).

The thing that caused me the greatest amount of sadness is not the failure in my porn recovery programme I experienced a week ago. The greatest source of sadness for me is looking back and seeing the bad choices I made in my study programme. I made some pretty poor ones.

  1. I embarked this programme knowing that I did not possess the set of skills needed to make a success of it. The programme requires me to program computer models.
  2. I did not take the time to evaluate if this study was actually what I wanted to do. I wasn’t.
  3. I became notorious for breaking stuff even though I was not the one who broke them. I merely reported. Although I had my fair share of breakage. I broke a high performance liquid chromatography (HPLC) machine when I left the pumps on water for two weeks. I forgot that they should be left on methanol if they remain idle for such a long time. The pumps rusted. We waited three months for the technician to come and fix the machine.
  4. It seemed like a dark cloud hung over everything I did and that people always scrutinised and judged me badly. Of course this wasn’t true but that was my reality.
  5. Whenever I dealt with the drug discovery realm I became energised while my field of study drained me. There were certain experiments that gave me energy, but then I would soon lose my fire.
  6. Because of this cloud that seemed to follow everywhere, I never felt at home in the lab. I always felt like I belonged somewhere else. I had bought into the belief that things should just come come naturally or flow if you had talent and were meant to do something. This was not the case in the lab even during undergrad.
  7. I became lazy with updating my lab book. Don’t let me get started on this point! Principly-speaking, I have two record books: a note book in which I recorded all my activities in the lab on a daily basis and a lab book which is the official, prettier version of the note book. I’ve kept the former up to date but not the latter due to the cloud that hangs over my head.
  8. My pride and my desire to be intelligent–false bravado, if you will–kept me from asking for help when I should have and caused me to ask for help when it wasn’t necessary.
  9. When my MSc class was given to option to choose to remain on the old system where you’ll only be graded on your thesis, I chose to be on the new system. In the new system, you are graded on your lab book, progress report presentations, defence, thesis, and a couple of other things. I feel stupid for choosing the new system thinking that it would motivate me to excel. The choice had the opposite effect. The pressure on me makes me want to run away.
  10. I just feel like I have a bad reputation in the department and that I am incapable of changing people’s perceptions. Because no matter what you do, people will always think the worst of you. (I’m using a lot of superlatives . . . )
  11. All of these choices and perceptions culminated in losing the respect of my supervisors. And that is the hard pill to swallow for me.
  12. I’m also worried that my thesis won’t make the cut. In my opinion, the number of aspects of my thesis resemble an undergraduate science project. I don’t have a lot of positive results and need to do three kinds of experiments with good results to have a solid thesis. Therefore I need time in the lab and for the organisms to grow well.
  13. Another reason for the preceding worry is that the subject of my thesis forms part of a larger work. Because my study is a subsidiary of the larger study and was partially (and could easily have been) covered by another student, I feel as if my study is almost worthless. I’m afraid of talking about this view because I fear how it will be received by my supervisors and support network. They might think that I am narrow minded, unintelligent, or stupid for thinking like that. I’m also afraid of being right. The rock and the hard place.

I’ve felt like quitting my master’s programme many times, but because I see myself as a fighter I push through. There’s no doubt about it, I’m a people pleaser. I’ve made peace with that fact. So, disappointing my supervisors saddens me greatly. Yet my disposition to prove myself and to work autonomously seems to counter-act my people pleasing disposition. More often than not, I am caught between a rock and a hard place, not knowing which principle to follow. My analytical mind goes into overdrive as I play out various scenarios to determine which course of action will be best. I pray to God and ask family and friends for advice, but only when I can’t find a win-win scenario.

(I’m trying to keep things light here.)

I’m still not done with my literature review because I’m still figuring out where I will go with the computational part of my study. This worries, saddens and stresses me because I disappointed my supervisors again.

Where do I go from here? What do I do?

Writing is my passion. I’m not a good fiction writer because of my decision to not read fiction. But that all changed a few weeks ago, when I realised that not all fiction is bad. I guess the reason why I was drawn to erotica (which involved sex and/or embarrassing moments) was due to the story element. So, I never stopped reading stories. I just stopped reading the good kind of fiction opting to fill my mind with bad, filthy fiction. Now I am learning to read, analyse, and write good fiction.

I’ve also decided to become a technical writer. It offers more career options than science writing. And I’m definitely not science journalism material. When the pressure becomes too much, I zone out, my performance drops, and I read up on topics that interest me. I run away for a time. I lose my fire.

I took time out to flesh out my dream to be a published author. Initially I thought of publishing devotionals, short stories, op-eds, and book reviews on a website under my real name using social media to attract traffic to the blog.

Yesterday (day 362), however, I realised that it’s a lot of work and that it’s not the best way to get your name out there. So, what I will be doing is write those pieces and submit them to websites and blogs for publication. They will be rejected, that’s a given. But the whole process will train me to be a good author of non-technical writing.

To write good fiction I will have to improve my ability to write descriptively. I always sucked at descriptive writing even at school mainly because I didn’t understand its importance in narrative writing. I’ve always been good with plots. (There I go tooting my own horn again!) I don’t know whether I’m a plotter or not, because I enjoyed sitting and seeing the plot develop as I wrote.

Amid all the uncertainty of the future, of my failures and successes, perceptions and attitudes, three things are true: (1) I want to be a widely published, well-renowned author of fiction and non-fiction work; (2) I want to bring glory to God with my talents and abilities; and (3) I want to inspire, encourage, and uplift people through my writing as well as make them laugh with my wicked sense of humour–believe it or not.

Although I don’t have answers to all my question and although I don’t know where I will find myself in 10 years’ time, let alone knowing with who, I know that God will work things out for my good and that of others.

Winds of Change: Days 202-205

Today (day 205) I devote to writing my thesis. It’s a bit intimidating but as I said before, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” I wonder from which movie that quote comes?

Yesterday I just took it easy. I needed to rest. I read a little about Judaism’s thoughts on trees but I didn’t go too deep into since I plan on studying the subject in the Bible myself.

The youth had a Coffee Bar on Friday at a prayer room in one of the near lying suburbs. It was a wonderful experience. The room had a keyboard, congas, a jembi, two small drums that are part of the conga family, chimes, a tube filled with shells which sounded like the sea when you moved it, and a maraka. Prayer requests, Bible verses, and the Names of God lined the walls. We sang and gave a short testimony based on words that were scribbled on a balloon dog. I had a fun time playing the jembi.

At work, we had a farewell tea for my boss on Friday. Her contract finishes tomorrow. The conversation mostly revolved around Tim Noakes and the evolution of computers. I could do much work on Friday. I printed some articles and tried to work on my literature review. I planned on going on study leave in three week’s time, but my boss wouldn’t allow me to. “You have too much work,” she said, which is true, but I have obligations and experiments to finish.

I went on a partial media blackout with regards to the youth this week.

On Thursday morning I had two wet dreams, looked pics of Greece, and read about people’s massage experiences in South Korea.

Actually, I’ve been reading about people’s South Korean and Thai massage experiences these past couple of days. It’s been fun. What I noticed was that people either describe a massage in terms of pain (or torture) or sex. The latter kind of stories I avoid. I guess people associate massage with sex because of the nudity and the intimacy involved while massage is associated with torture because of all the stretching, muscle manipulation, pressure, kneading, use of elbows and feet, involved. It can be torturous depending on the massage style the licenced massage therapist uses, your pain threshold and the soreness of your muscles. Fortunately, I don’t mind the pain of having an elbow dig into my back or calf because I know it’s for a good purpose.

Anyway, I’ve gotta run. My thesis is calling. May you have an awesome day!

Winds of Change: Day 156

Please note that I discuss a wet dream I had towards the end of this post. So, NPU 18.

This afternoon before I napped I read what Ben Carson wrote about talents in Think Big. He gave some good examples and a short list of things you can do to determine your talents. It was clear that I consider writing a talent. (A no-brainer.)

Anyway, I napped because I couldn’t seem to focus and was looking for sugary, stimulating food to give me that edge. After the nap my energies were renewed and I tackled the task of preparing my part of a programme the youth of my church (denomination) will give on Friday night. I also finished a chapter of a dissertation I am reading.

This morning I attended a church board meeting which saw the youth executive committee voted in. This means that we are legal now. Our plans for the year were also accepted. What worried me was that no one asked questions about our programme. They did that with all the other departmental leaders, but not with me. My cousin said that it was most probably because I covered everything. Or can it be that I just bombarded them with information? Who knows?

On the porn front

This morning I had a wet dream. In actuality I don’t know if the ejaculation was the result of a wet dream or of sleep masturbation (or as I like to call it: sleep-jerking). Without wanting to be too graphic, my hand held my penis up.

In the past I would’ve been extremely worried about whether I broke my abstinence, i.e. sleep-jerked. But now I’m of the opinion that since I didn’t wake up and had the choice of stopping myself, I had absolutely no control over it and no way of knowing what the cause of the ejaculation is. Furthermore, my penis was not sore which would be a sure indication that I masturbated in my sleep. Therefore, I ascribe the ejaculation to a wet dream.
I feel bad for not writing much on the porn front. But besides the occasional wet dream, impure thought and temptation to look for pornographic images, there’s nothing much to say really. My prayer right now is that the Lord will fill me with the Holy Spirit and renew my mind that I may love and live His will.

That’s where I am right now.

Winds of Change: Days 143-146

Just as I was about to post the following last night, my internet cut out. So here’s my next post . . .

My apologies for not posting so frequently. Life is happening!

I have a million and one things on my mind and at night, when I usually post, I am too tired to write anything or formulate a post. But, I have to write tonight for therapy’s sake. There are quite a number of themes that are occupying my mind. I will write something about each of them.

Solo Retreat

I can’t help but frequently think about this past weekend. It was truly amazing! I took a couple of pictures of the place and some of the wildlife I saw. I will post them soon. I should actually have published them with that post, but time to Photoshop them, I did not have.

Flickr

I’ve been on there quite a lot lately looking for photos with the search terms “waterfall swim”, “lake swim”, “waterfall dip”, “lake dip”, “dip”, “fire”, “sculpture”, “wax sculpture”, “chinese sculpture”, “water wade”, “wet”, “soak” and “free”. I saw some nudes but I skipped by them. It was not my intention to look at them. I wish I could share those photos with you, but that would compromise my anonymity. My Flickr account has three followers so far. I know it’s not much, but it means something.

Anyway, the photos I like are mostly landscapes with some wildlife. There are lots of sunsets and sunrises and a couple of very aesthetic nudes–no frontal nudity.

Wax Sculpting

I’ve been playing around with the idea of what I should by next. My colleague made me question my commitment to fitness by her surprise reaction to my voiced intention to do body weight training. I mean, if I really wanted to do body weight training then I would not have been swayed so easily. We spoke about it today (Day 146) and she encouraged me to go with pilates. Pilates, by the way, is one of the four fitness things I would like to do. The other three are running, squash and kayaking. But, I must learn to swim freestyle first and overcome my fear of drowning.

So back to wax sculpting. The wax tool sets and alcohol lamp I ordered with the freed up money will be picked up tomorrow. The book I ordered must still come. I have a couple designs I want to try out. Before I sculpt them, I need all the tools. So I’m just waiting for the book to arrive so that I can continue purchasing the tools.

Thesis

I saw my professor on Wednesday (Day 145). The meeting was great. We connected on a personal level. My family and I prayed quite a bit for a good meeting. One of the reasons why it went so well, I believe, is because his opinion of me did not matter to me. We spoke as equals–almost.

Throughout the morning I processed and collated my data so that I could make a good presentation. I had thought that it would go quickly, but I made some calculation errors which I took me a long time to correct. I had to work my way through 8 experiments’ data which is a lot. Luckily, I didn’t have to process them from scratch.

I couldn’t register because the data processing took up all of my time. So, I will register next week.

A task he gave is due tomorrow. I pleaded with him to set a deadline for my thesis’ literature review. He didn’t want to set one at first, but soon came to understand how important a deadline is to me. He set the deadline for mid-March. I have a lot of work to do since I told him that I would spend three hours each night on the literature review.

Leadership

I actually didn’t know what to title this section, so I settled on the actual topic. I have a lot of administration work to do like preparing a budget, working out the agenda and other stuff. My main focus is on how I should approach people and situations. This uncertainty occupies a lot of my thought life. I always worry about how my actions are perceived. Did I say something the right way? Did I do the right thing by talking to this one about it? Shouldn’t I inform that one too? How will I talk to our elder? What should my attitude be? Did I use the right leadership style there? Etc.

We will meet with our elder on Saturday in the afternoon. I hope that I won’t have to defend the team’s freedom because our elder can be quite a control freak. I used to be one too.

On the porn front

Prior to searching for “wet” on Flickr, I got flashes of women in wet white t-shirts. But, that’s not why I did the search. I have a thing for water. I love water. So, I wanted to see what images, besides the sexually laden ones, would come up. I wasn’t even remotely interested in the sexual ones. I closed my eyes and scrolled down as quickly as I could to get to the pictures I really wanted. This is why I want to show you my Flickr Favourites so that you can see what kind of photos I like to look at, and would like to take one day when I’m mobile and graduated. I think I will make a post with links to the photos with a short explanation of why I like them if they can’t be embeded.

Other than the occassional impure thoughts I’ve had, it’s been going well. Yesterday (Day 145) when I was at my university, I remembered how sexual my thoughts were and what the old Eleazar would’ve done and thought.

One thing that stood out for me about the girls on campus was 99% of them were wearing these extra-short shorts (hot pants-like shorts). It felt like I was back in Korea. I didn’t dwell on that for long. It was just an observation.

I did not have a wet dream yet. I fear having a wet dream in a guest house or hotel bed (with white linen). I don’t want the owners or housekeeping staff to think badly about me as if I masturbated on purpose and got a thrill out of it. The temptation to look for answers on the Internet is there. I know that people who have sex use a towel to catch the body fluids. On the first night of my Solo Retreat I tried to sleep with a towel placed under my pelvic area, but I didn’t get much sleep. The fear that I would move off it or squirt contributed to me not sleeping so well. I slept on my boxers the second night. It went better. There came a point where I just said, “Enough is enough. If I cum, I cum. They just have to deal with it.” But, I secretly hoped that I didn’t.

So why don’t I just sleep in boxers instead of sleeping nude? My problem would be solved then, wouldn’t it? You see, sleeping in boxers won’t make a difference because the semen would seep through the material and onto the bedsheets anyway. Any advice?

Work

My second article is almost done. I submitted it Wednesday morning at 4am and received it back with a couple of edits. I have to give more information on one of the studies I wrote about. For that to happen I have to read a 35 page article (references included). My editor said that it’s a very controversial topic I chose and that I have to think carefully. Both articles I wrote for the February issue of our publication are controversial and will draw out a good discussion among our readers. I have to finish that article tomorrow.

So that’s my (thought) life.

I have not forgotten about listing my dreams on here as two people asked me to do in the poll I had. The answers to the assignments in Restoring Your Sexuality Back To Biblical Foundations will also be posted soon–over the course of the weekend, hopefully. I will see whether I can’t share some of the photos I liked on Flickr with you but that will only happen next week.

Now I will go ahead and analyse my data for thesis (and professor).

G’nite!

Oh yeah! I can’t wait for my next massage appointment! Cheers!</blockquote

Winds of Change: Day 93

Last night I went to bed asking God to crown my awesome day with a wonderful wet dream. He gave me two. I’m tempted to go into detail about the physical–not the dream–events; a tendency reminiscent of the “no masturbation” forum I belonged to. And as much as I would like to, I won’t because it’s not acceptable. Let me just say that the second wet dream was extraordinary and had me wonder in amazement at how God answered my prayer. He answered it in the way I would’ve loved to experience the wet dream.

One of the questions I sought answers to today was how do nudist families handle the modesty that sets in at the onset of puberty? And the other question I had was How do nudist kids handle it the counter-cultural milieu of their home? as well as What are the advantages and disadvantages of raising your kids in a nudist or naturist home?

Now let me say this here, I don’t plan on raising a nudist family. I’m just intrigued by the nudist mindset or worldview if you will. From all my reading and questioning I’ve come to the understanding that there are three kinds of nudists. The first are the true nudists: those who fully subscribe to all nudist/naturist beliefs and have rejected the wearing of clothes (almost) completely.

The second class are the pseudo-nudists. This group of people who claim to be nudists and to adhere to the ideals of the lifestyle but they do not control or do not want to control their sexual impulses and desires. To them all “nudist” creeps, pedophiles, exhibitionists, voyeurs, and swingers belong.

There is another group which likes being naked for the sheer joy of it and the kind of freedom it gives you, like the true nudists. They subscribe to some–if not all–nudist beliefs, but aren’t serious about being lifestyle nudists. This group encompasses a whole spectrum of beliefs including mine.

I used the normal exclusion terms when I consulted Google: sex, orgy, porn, xxx, gay, pictures, erotica, etc. I don’t want to fill my mind with that filth.

Today I also processed my data. I do a final analysis tomorrow before I write my report which I want to hand in to my professor on Friday. Once that report is done, I have to finish another report for church on a conference I attended for them earlier this year. Then I will write a proposal about a show for one of my church’s TV channels. During this holiday I would like to refine the plot of a stop motion animation video I want to shoot in the future. Let me stop here before I get carried away and overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and want to do.

Winds of Change: Day 66

I contacted my country’s science journalism association today asking the secretary for help in meeting a few of its members. She hasn’t replied yet. I will also look into contacting passed winners of “science journalist of the year” award winners as well as those science writers at the company at which I’m employed.

In the course of my Googling I came across a free on-line science journalism course which consists of 10 lessons. The course was compiled by some of the world’s leading science journalists and journalism lecturers. It’s a crash course which will solidify the my foundation for when I pursue a postgraduate degree. I need to find someone who will work through it with me . . .

I really had to fight to get out of bed this morning. I woke up early to work on my thesis and returned to bed when the pressure in my head became unbearable. When it was time to get up and get ready for work, I had to coax myself out of bed by repeat my motto, “Do it anyway!”, over and over again. I eventually got out of bed, got dressed as quickly as I could, packed in my lunch and left home on time.

I won’t be working on my thesis tomorrow morning because I was so tired today that I could barely concentrate on my work. So, a full night’s rest I will grant meself tonight, go to bed early tomorrow night, and wake up early on Wednesday morning to work on my thesis.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get up at 2am to work on my thesis while I find it very easy to do that for my job. Is it because the stakes are higher? There’s more pressure? I have a deadline to meet? I don’t know.

Recently, I adopted a mental porn filter. There aren’t any porn filters available for my phone so now whenever I want to search for something risqué or borderline, I ask myself whether a porn filter would allow it. I, therefore, end up only searching for stuff a porn filter would allow. So far it’s been going well.