The Pain of Intimacy

As I write my heart has a knife in it. My lungs buckle under the strain of gasping for breath. Pain spreads over my clouded chest as both Continue reading


Winds of Change: 316-296 days to go Part 1

I don’t even want to count how many days it’s been since my last post! This post has definitely been long overdue. I don’t know what it is with bloggers and thesis or dissertation writing. Despite our best intentions our thesis just seems to take up most of our time. We seem to channel all our energy into the work.

However, I must admit that it’s not only my thesis that’s been keeping me busy. I’ve had to confront a couple of character defects and inclinations during the past few weeks. I tried posting a couple of times but I guess I just wasn’t ready to post yet.

My accountability partner and I spoke for the first time in two weeks last week Wednesday when I had 300 days to go (DTG) to reaching a year of abstinence from pornography. I brought him up to speed and told him what I will share with you in this post.

But first, my dad’s eldest cousin died on Wednesday (300 DTG). We weren’t particularly close but I loved him. I was pretty shocked when my mom shared the news with me although I didn’t show any shock. My heart was quite heavy on Thursday (299 DTG) and Friday (298 DTG) to the point where I didn’t feel like doing anything. That all changed on Friday night.

My family was out so I had our home completely to myself. After putting on some worship music, I settled down. It was in that moment of resignation that I broke out in tears. The sense of loss could not be contained any more. I knelt down in prayer, thanked God for my cousin’s life and His Son’s life and cried for a while. When I got up from there, I felt so refreshed, so new, so consoled.

It’s amazing how grief affects a person. We’ve had deaths in our family before, but this was the first time I cried so wholeheartedly.

On Thursday and Friday (299 & 298 DTG) there were moments when I longed to look at porn or at least search for it. But thank God I did not seek comfort in the arms of lust. Yet, being in a I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset and having searched for photos on Flickr about stuff I would like to do naked (no frontal and non-artistic nudes) for said reason, I tried to come up with all sorts of situations (excuses) in which I would like to experiences sin ropa. But after searching for photos with the string “morning+sun”, I quit. I would like to photograph a male nude (actually, I’d like to be the male nude) standing in the door with a cup of coffee as light from the morning sun streams into the room, lace curtains breathing in the wind as sunlight bathes his body in warmth. I didn’t find that photo but I found a similar one. I saw other nudes during my searches to which I just closed my eyes either skipping passed them to get to the photos I wanted to add to my collection of landscapes, cityscapes, nightscapes, and other scapes or exited the search to start another or to work.

The I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset was brought about by my renewed interest in skimpy underwear—the male c-string, to be exact. I read reviews and comments on the garment to find out how comfortable it was. Is it painful to get an erection in one? And how practical is it really? How does it affect one’s urination routine? But the blogs and website provided no answers. I also checked out local online retailers of the male c-string to keep abreast with the prices and stock availability. I really wanted to buy but couldn’t bring myself to because of my present lack of income. But my frustration about searching for the c-string and not wanting to increased to the point where I decided to use some of the money I have to buy it. The male c-string is on its way.

Shortly after this, I decided to just get the skimpy underwear searches over and done with. After much thought and prayer I realised that there was one particular skimpy underwear I wanted—a strapless leather penis pouch. I saw it during my “men’s locker room” days (you can read about it here). Unfortunately for me, the pouch is so deeply buried in filth that after some censored exposure to extreme erotic underwear I just gave up. I decided that it wasn’t worth my time, effort, purity, and integrity to wade through the sewers of the Internet to find a hidden gem. I’d have dive very deep while its location is unknown. I thought I remembered the website where I saw it many, many years ago, but when I checked it out, it turned out not to be.

But, I wasn’t done. There were other thongs that I liked so I set out to find and add them to a watchlist. During the years, I developed a sense (of sorts) of knowing when a piece of underwear might be too risqué without having previously seen it. Because I wasn’t interested in how the undergarment looked per se as its description sufficed, I covered the photo with my hand. And I knew what I wanted.

So, when I went to the website on which I purchased the male c-string, I looked through the men’s underwear section for the type of underwear I would like to try. I favourited them and bought one. It came on Friday (298 DTG). To keep my mind from wandering I focused on my goal which was to find tight fitting, pouch undewear so that I can test their level of comfort and practicality for day-to-day life.

From this search I learned that I like underwear with form enhancing pouches that are slightly see-through and elastic. I have a few pairs of long johns that do not have pouches. I remembered now that prior to buying them I looked long and hard at the models on the cover of the boxes in which the long johns were packed to see whether the long johns had pouches. None of them had. So, I settled on the pairs I bought. Back then I thought that I was looking for a neurochemical hit, that I was being pervy, but now I think I was just unaware of my preference for underwear with pouches.

At this moment I have one thong among my collection of briefs, boxer briefs, boxers and long johns. I still prefer to “hang loose”. I wonder what a future girl friend or wife would think if I told her that I like wearing thongs. But, that’s for the future.

I will write a review on the thong and the male c-string. Whether I will post them on this blog is another story.

I celebrated my second masturbation abstinence anniversary on Wednesday (300 DTG)! To celebrate it, I hiked a trail close to campus and bought some ice cream the next day (299 DTG).

To be continued . . .

Winds of Change: 323-317 days to go

Today I have 316 days to go (DTG) for a year of abstinence from pornography. I am also 16 days away from celebrating my second year of abstinence from masturbation! The post that follows was written yesterday to summarise the whole of last week. In it I discuss my thesis, nudity & nudism and some other things.

Please remember to take part in the poll. There is only one week left and so far only four people responded.

I’m sorry that it has come to this, but my time is not my own anymore. I’ve been working late this whole week and have been too tired to write every night. So from now on, until my situation changes, I will post once a week.

Changing approach

I realised today (318 days to go (DTG)) that the reason I struggled with writing my literature review is because I’m trying to make my ideas fit into a mould that is foreign to me. It’s not my style. Let me explain. My research is based on previous student’s PhD and MSc theses who wrote his literature review in a certain way. I’ve been trying to copy that format with great difficulty because my writing style leans more toward narrative writing. He described the biological big picture of his PhD thesis and then the individual elements he studied followed by the theoretical framework he applied. But, my natural inclination is to describe the individual elements as I encounter them during my description of the big picture—as you would do when relating a story. When introducing a new character in a story, the story teller usually gives a brief description of the character as well as some background information. That’s how my articles were written during my internship.

So, tomorrow I will go to my co-promoter and ask her opinion. But, my literature review has been a laborious exercise up to now. And I usually like reading and writing review articles.

My experiments went well last week. We have to repeat one of them though. During a meeting I had with my promoter (a.k.a. my professor) on Friday (319 days to go) I saw while we were going over the results that he was giving me advice on how to write up that experiment in my results chapter. I don’t know why it didn’t register before. I was most probably trying very hard to decode what he had asked me to do in terms of future experiments.

During Friday’s meeting, he asked me to do a calculation but my mind went completely blank. I really struggled to do it. I didn’t expect him to ask me to calculate something—a very simple thing, I might add—on the spot! Nada. Nought. Zilch. Nil. Absolutely nothing went through my mind. I did try to answer the question though but my answers were all wrong! Surprisingly I didn’t feel like a failure.

Fatal attraction to complexity?

During this week I discovered that I am drawn to complexity. Nudism offers a lot of complexity because it and the nudity it celebrates affects a person and society on so many levels. Some keywords associated with the philosophy are freedom, health, sun, surf, acceptance, confidence, body image, non-sexual, sexual, perversion, moral, amoral, immoral, choice, judgment, legal, and self-control, to name just a few. As you can see from this list, nudity engages us in the religious, moral, legal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, health, and political spheres all at the same time. Which sphere is more affected depends on the situation in one finds oneself and the values with which you judge nudity. As I have said many times before, even ad nauseaum, I am not a propounder of social nudism because it breaks the gender segregation taboo which I believe is a moral principle. And even if the gender segregation taboo is not a moral principle, I cannot in good conscience break the taboo while I retain membership in a church that upholds it. It would be hypocritical of me. And I am not a hypocrite.

You can see how easily a discussion on nudity and nudism can let me go on a tangent. So, what I wanted to say is nudity and nudism are complex topics which my mind is drawn to in order to figure them out. I am inclined to dissect the issues they create and those that created them in all the spheres of life. This would ultimately make me an expert in nudity and would lead me in the direction of gender studies which I also interests me. I just decided to stop gathering information. I have other complex things that need my attention.

So, after I decided to quit studying nudism and the body taboo, I read some more articles on it. I also contacted nudist organisations in my area to ask if they know of any places remote, unofficial, nudist-friendly places where I can skinny dip and sunbathe nude without having to worry about shocking people and embarrassing moments. I am still waiting to hear from them. I also contacted places I would like to vacation at in the near future to hear whether the owners or managers are okay with nude sunbathing and swimming. The owners did not have a problem.

I felt uncomfortable contacting owners of holiday accommodation asking them whether it’s all right to sunbathe, swim and lounge around nude. I didn’t want them to think that I was a nudist. And I worried how it would impact my witness for Christ. So, I just decided that I wouldn’t ask owners about this anymore. It gives the wrong impression. I asked the owners if they permit these activities because one nudist on an online forum had said that it’s a good idea to call the management of your remote, unofficial nudist-friendly accommodation and alert them to your intention of being naked during your stay there. I’m not a nudist, won’t be naked all the time and don’t want to give the wrong impression so I won’t be contacting any more owners or managers.

Library expansion kit

On my way home from school on Friday, I picked up three books at a discount store for US$1.00 each. One book is Simon Cowell’s autobiography while the other two are novels: a literary fiction novel of a Muslim guy and a story about a man who runs away when disaster strikes or when he messes up. Today (317 DTG) my uncle lent me John Grisham’s The Innocent Man which is based on a true story. I have to finish Jack J. Blanco’s Witness: A fresh look at the New Testament church and its book review as soon as possible.

One step closer

Today (317 DTG) I also bought steel wire for my future sculpting endeavours. All I need to buy now are calipers, wooden planks, clay, foil and masking tape. I’m pretty excited. I will tell my parents about my desire to sculpt when I go to buy the planks. Clay will be the last thing I will buy.

In summary

Not much happened between Monday (323 DTG) and Thursday (320 DTG) except for me analysing data, preparing a report for the meeting with my professor and figuring out things related to nudism, as already discussed.

I had a wet dream yesterday morning (318 DTG).

Winds of Change: 327-324 days to go

Following is the entry for 327-324 days to go (DTG). (Today I have 321 DTG.) I dwell a lot on the question of nudism and why some people are drawn to it. In this post I also share some of my more mundane experiences.

A year in review

To think that just a couple of days ago I would have celebrated one year of abstinence from pornography! But it would not have been a kosher victory though since I struggled with many definitions and conceptualisations finding myself in compromising situations now and again. I guess that’s why I was so keen on starting over.

Drive of the nude dude

Anyway, for the past few days the question of why I am drawn to naturism like a moth to a flame plagued me. I don’t mean naturism in the true sense of the word. I mean the love and desire to engage in activities in nature or the countryside without a stitch of clothing and the fear of breaking public indecency, moral and modesty laws.

Then, I began to wonder what drives true naturists and sympathisers (which I see myself as being) to do the same. The desire to know the answer to this question drove me to read a couple of nudist and naturist websites and blogs while making sure that I don’t see any photos. I even contacted two leading authors in the field who have not replied yet. I spent a lot of time in prayer as I asked God to reveal the reason to me. My past I did not leave alone either. I wanted an answer that went beyond the normal responses of freedom, comfort, and the negligible quality of clothing.

I remembered how I used to strip as soon as my parents left me alone at home. Their absence bestowed on me the freedom to run around naked at home and masturbate to my hearts content. After masturbating the endorphins that flooded my nervous system would be drained out. Feelings of loneliness, regret, disgust and frustration would then fill the void the endorphins left. So, the link between nudity and sex was quite solid in my mind. The link was strengthened by the naked women in Playboy magazines I used to masturbate to and fantasised about.

But, that all changed when I learned that nudity does not equal sex. That was a life changing truth because it allowed me to seperate nudity from sex. This happened about two years ago. And that’s when I wanted to practice good nudity. My disgust for the bad kind grew steadily over time. The psychological and spiritual nature of the porn addiction kept sabotaging my recovery. But I praise God for the help He has given me and for my accountability partner.

From the start being naked was a kind of freedom for me. It wasn’t the absolute kind that we find in Christ Jesus, but it was some kind. What I don’t understand is why I am drawn to seeking this kind of freedom. Being naked was a form of self-expression. With the discarding of my clothes, I discarded my stress, society’s expectations, anxiety, means of sexual stimulation as I used my clothes to masturbate, etc. I was free to be myself. I grew confident in and with my body. I acted on my health conscious thoughts. I appreciated Creation more. I felt free. And the bonus was that my nakedness didn’t have to end in sexual gratification!

My natural love for nature and my new found freedom from bad nudity merged soon after. For a long time I had exhibitionistic thoughts and fantasies. And my accountability partner can attest to how much I struggled to make sense of them throughout this past year. An exhibitionist who doesn’t want to expose himself to people out of fear of arrest or shocking them; yet drawn to be naked in the company of others in a same gender setting because mixed gender nudity goes against his beliefs, was what I was. In the end, after a huge struggle, a whole lot of prayer and discussions, I decided to dispense with dubious activities which might be misconstrued. I was not an exhibitionist.

With the dispensement of those dubious activities my desire to be free in nature increased. I saw those dubious activities as a kind of present manifestation of a promise that could only be fulfilled in the future. (I hope that makes sense.) So that’s the reason why in moments of great stress I think about the next time I will “get away from it all” to spend time with God in nature and also be naked there. (The places I choose are private with very little possibility of discovery.)

So, I guess I answered my question. For me it’s about freedom to dispense with my clothes and move around in my birthday suit. However, this freedom is kept in check by my inability to be naked just for the sake of being naked. There must be a definite purpose for my state of undress. I get uncomfortable very quickly. And that is most probably why I could never be a naturist or a nudist. I’m not comfortable being nude for no reason at all. It’s not a matter of comfort for me but a celebration of the freedom of solitude.

That said, the longing for company still exists which is why I often wish that my society and culture had bath house culture like the Koreans and Japanese have. Their bath houses are gender segregated and functional, i.e. they have a definite purpose that goes beyond relaxation and socialising.

I still want to know what fundamental motive drives nudists, naturists and their sympathisers to frollick around in the buff. So, if you are a naturist, nudist, or one who indulges ocassionally will you please answer in the comments below?

Three books

On Thursday, I bought three new books: Think Big by Ben Carson, Approval Addiction by Joyce Meyer and Prophet: A novel by Frank E. Peretti. I’m looking forward to reading these.

Spinning heads

My friends who were at the Bible study last Monday said that their heads spun the whole week as a result of our discussion. The pastor who sat in and guided the study told us about his experiences with and warned us about demon possession. That formed part of the subject of being saved to serve. Every Christian is born into the Kingdom of God as a missionary. The two demoniacs of Gergesa (or Gadarenes) illustrate this perfectly as do the Samaritan woman, Levi Matthew, Paul, and many others. I was glad that I was not the only one who was unsettled by our discussion.

Impact of the naturist question

I worked on my thesis a little bit today (324 DTG) after spending the whole morning looking for answers to my question on what drives people to engage in naturist activities, let alone adopt the lifestyle. I just decided to call it quits. The only way I will get an answer is to talk to nudists and naturists. They won’t reveal the or their fundamental motive when asked directly. It will, however, be revealed during the conversation. It might occur as a theme or an omission or both. And that is a work of a lifetime! To speak to nudists in person I would have to cross boundaries I cannot in good conscience cross. I’m not willing to compromise the Truth for a less important truth.


But, if you are a nudist, naturist or a sympathiser will you please tell us what you think the fundamental motivator is in your life for your participation in the lifestyle?

Also, in the panel on the right there is a poll. Will you please choose one of the options? I am curious to see how many of my readers and followers like reading paperbacks, hardbacks, and e-books.

Winds of Change: Days 106-107

Day 107

Today (day 107) was awesome. My family and I went to a concert this afternoon of one of the most famous groups from my country. The group sang their best hits. They had disbanded in the late 90’s so they didn’t sing any new songs. But, it was great being there with my parents and sister. (My dad’s home for the holidays.)

After the concert we made our way home picking up Disney’s Planes and Tyler Perry’s Peeples along the way which put a cherry on the proverbial cake.

Day 106: Resolution

For those of you who prayed, thank you. I have resolved to follow my conscience and quit aimlessly wandering around naked during the day and at night. This may seem strange to some of you and quite frankly I don’t expect all of you to understand, my readers.

Broadly speaking there are two kinds of nudity: functional and recreational nudity. The line between the two is not always clear but it does exist. Within each of these two categories, you find social and personal nudity as well as private and public. Generally, social and public nudity are synonymous but it is not always the case. Before I get swept away in my analysis, I will just say that I have chosen to only have purposeful, functional nudity in my life. By that I mean that being naked just for the sake of being naked isn’t a good enough reason. The nudity must serve a purpose, be transient in nature, or both.

Transient nudity is the kind you get in locker rooms, communal (open) showers, and in your room when you change clothes. Nude sunbathing and (gender segregated) saunas and spas where nudity is compulsory are examples of purposeful, functional nudity.

Although nude saunas and spas involve social and public nudity and are places of recreational nudity, they are not “open” spaces such as nude beaches, resorts or cruises where you might break the law of the land, impose your nudity on unwilling others, and shame yourself. When I will sunbathe nude, I will be sure to cover my “bits” so as not to controvert any moral or judicial law. Neither do I want to incur sunburn in that most sensitive of areas.

I am tempted to list all the possible places and situations I will or might be naked in. Not only will it bore you, but it is a waste of time. It’s best to only define the principles. I am also tempted to write an apology for (that is, defend) my stance, but what does it matter? Unless you want me to go into the intricacies of my belief, I won’t. (So if you want me to, contact me.)

The Season

The festive season is here! It’s my mom and dad’s anniversary tomorrow. But we will go to the funeral of one of our church member’s mother. What we will do afterwards, I do not know.

I wish you all save travels as you make your back home (if you are going home) for the holidays.

God bless and good night!

Winds of Change: Day 95


Right now I am tired! I’m tired of frequently checking my e-mail accounts for messages from friends and Yahoo! Answers alerts. I’m tired of checking Yahoo! Answers for interesting questions. I’m tired of searching for pictures of things I want to do. I’m tired of searching for pictures of places I’d like to go to. I’m tired of trying to read other people’s minds. I’m tired of being tired.

Another look at the reluctant leader

Today I realised that the reason why I’m so reluctant to lead is because I’m afraid that I will hurt people. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a people pleaser and a conformist. So, being in a leadership position where I have make unpopular decisions from time to time is difficult for me. In addition to this is the expectation that leaders shouldn’t apologise much. I apologise when I’ve wronged someone whether or not it’s popular to do so.

Family Ties

My thoughts today have largely been centred on how I will bond with my children, when I have them one day. And my experience has been that nudity plays an important role in the bonding process. So, I basically revisited the question with a strong emphasis on adolescence, father-daughter and father-son bonding as well as the role of nudity.

Nudity, I realised as I had done before, is only a part of the equation. There are other factors that have to be taken into account and practised daily for the bond to be strong.

I look forward to the day when I become a dad. The day I really look forward to though is when my son(s) and I make box cars or build something else together. That’ll be awesome.

However, I have to get over the first hurdle. No it’s not getting a girlfriend or mustering the courage to ask her hand in marriage. It’s putting everything on the line by telling her everything about my sexual history. Will she accept me? Will she still love me the same? If she chooses to end the relationship, will she keep those things to herself?

I long to be the father of a close-knit family. That would be wonderful.

Winds of Change: Day 94

Today I was stressed. It started last night already. The anxiety was so much that I felt it as a sexual tension in my body which prevented me from getting the sleep I needed. It was like the time I started this round of abstinence from masturbation.

Back then my thoughts were so focused on my genitals out of fear that I would orgasm. With my body taut with tension the only other way to relieve myself of this kind of anxiety was to stand by the window without a stitch of clothing. I was not prepared to relieve stress through self-stimulation then and definitely not now. So that’s what I did. Every time the anxiety was palpable I got out of bed, prayed and stood by the opened window in my room. The night air was soothing. But there was some activity down below on the street so I had to keep things in check.

All day I felt this sexual tension. It only went away when I spoke to Frank, my accountability partner. I didn’t know why I was stressed but then it dawned on me while I spoke to Frank that the stress is due to me being the only youth leader in my local church. Usually a team of youth leaders is selected, but I’m alone. I don’t like leading alone. Plus I don’t feel worthy of being the youth leader and serving on the church board. This is because of my past and the short distance between me and porn. I’ve also been plagued by feelings of guilt and shame at the temptations I face. So all these things stressed me.

Frank encouraged me to take the post saying that God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. He also said that this is maybe God’s way of nudging me to be the youth leader.

Our conversation turned to the feelings of guilt and shame. I explained to him about the flashbacks I get and the fantasies I see before I realise what they are at which point I stop. He said that sometimes he still gets them but that kind of temptation isn’t confined to lust only. He then illustrated it with an example from his life. Some days you’re in heaven, he said, but other days you will almost be overwhelmed by temptations of lust. The key is to rest in Christ and to submit every thought to Him asking Him for help while standing your ground.

He addressed the fact that my workplace is haunted next. He said that it is just Satan’s way of trying to inspire fear in me. I belong to Christ and as long as I am in Christ, Satan can’t touch me. He approved of my touching my workplace’s walls and asking Jesus to anoint it.

I asked nudist my questions about family nudity, puberty and body acceptance. It’s a very important question in my estimation since I don’t want my children to grow up ashamed of their bodies as I did nor do I want them to equate nudity with sex. I got some replies but none that answer these essential questions. I forgot to ask Frank whether he thinks it’s a good idea to befriend one or two nudists online.

I’m gonna catch some shut eye now; I’m so tired.

Winds of Change: Day 93

Last night I went to bed asking God to crown my awesome day with a wonderful wet dream. He gave me two. I’m tempted to go into detail about the physical–not the dream–events; a tendency reminiscent of the “no masturbation” forum I belonged to. And as much as I would like to, I won’t because it’s not acceptable. Let me just say that the second wet dream was extraordinary and had me wonder in amazement at how God answered my prayer. He answered it in the way I would’ve loved to experience the wet dream.

One of the questions I sought answers to today was how do nudist families handle the modesty that sets in at the onset of puberty? And the other question I had was How do nudist kids handle it the counter-cultural milieu of their home? as well as What are the advantages and disadvantages of raising your kids in a nudist or naturist home?

Now let me say this here, I don’t plan on raising a nudist family. I’m just intrigued by the nudist mindset or worldview if you will. From all my reading and questioning I’ve come to the understanding that there are three kinds of nudists. The first are the true nudists: those who fully subscribe to all nudist/naturist beliefs and have rejected the wearing of clothes (almost) completely.

The second class are the pseudo-nudists. This group of people who claim to be nudists and to adhere to the ideals of the lifestyle but they do not control or do not want to control their sexual impulses and desires. To them all “nudist” creeps, pedophiles, exhibitionists, voyeurs, and swingers belong.

There is another group which likes being naked for the sheer joy of it and the kind of freedom it gives you, like the true nudists. They subscribe to some–if not all–nudist beliefs, but aren’t serious about being lifestyle nudists. This group encompasses a whole spectrum of beliefs including mine.

I used the normal exclusion terms when I consulted Google: sex, orgy, porn, xxx, gay, pictures, erotica, etc. I don’t want to fill my mind with that filth.

Today I also processed my data. I do a final analysis tomorrow before I write my report which I want to hand in to my professor on Friday. Once that report is done, I have to finish another report for church on a conference I attended for them earlier this year. Then I will write a proposal about a show for one of my church’s TV channels. During this holiday I would like to refine the plot of a stop motion animation video I want to shoot in the future. Let me stop here before I get carried away and overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and want to do.

Winds of Change: Day 89

Here is yesterday’s entry.

Not much happened today besides editing an audio track, reading up for another project at work, doing a favour for an acquaintance, finding a replacement for one of the actresses in the podcast series my department is producing, and trying to figure out why I want to befriend two nudists online who’ve been of great help to me.

I am going to consult Frank, my accountability partner, about befriending them. He’ll give me good advice.

I’m awfully tired tonight almost falling asleep while writing a poem.

Winds of Change: Day 87-88

I actually hate doing this multi-day block quote thing, but when I get home at night I have such a lot of stuff to do that I don’t have time to record my day. So, here goes another “double entry”.

First and foremost, I’ve been working late and will be for the rest of the year until my employer closes for the holidays. There’s a lot of audio editing that I have to do in addition to readying a report for my professor.

Polling Station

You will see on the side panel is a polling station. I started it because I thought it would be fun to see what your responses would be and because I can’t decide what to do with my list of dreams. So, whichever option gets the most votes by the end of the week, I will do.

Divine Protection

There are reports that my work place is haunted. One colleague reported seeing a woman, hearing footsteps and hearing people talk when she and her teammates work there late at night. So, you can imagine how scared I am. But, I know that my Lord and Saviour, the One who gives me victory over the lusts of the flesh, the lusts of the eyes and the pride of life, protects me. So, every day that I’ve been praying that God would anoint my office block with His blood and hedge me in with angels even angels that excel in strength. Because I have slight fear of the dark, I leave one passage light and the men’s bathroom light on. Luckily my office is located right across a side entrance so I don’t have to walk that far to the door. I trust that the Lord will protect me though. He promised.

Communal Attraction

While I worked on one of the recordings yesterday, I minimised the distractions by writing down all the questions and thoughts that popped into my head. One particular question intrigues me. It’s one that I’ve been wondering about for a long time: Why am I so keen to befriend nudists?

I don’t consider myself to be one. I see myself as someone who is comfortable with his body and with being naked alone and around others. But, I won’t go out of my way to be naked alone or with others. And as I said before I don’t believe in co-ed social nudity because of the sexual undertones that are present. And quite frankly I don’t trust my mind in such a situation.

That said, I find that I want to have one or two nudist friends: the two men who always answer my nudism-related questions on Yahoo! Answers. I feel bonded to them. (Weird and crazy aren’t words one should use on the Net, but it seems that way to me.) It’s almost as if they took me under their wing, but they didn’t really. To them it’s just routine because they tend to respond to all nudity questions. (For what it’s worth, my nudism questions mostly revolve around etiquette.)

Intrigued by the question of my apparent need to connect to people of like interests, I made a list of the communities of which I am or was a member of online. I won’t share the communities but I will share the interests. Here they are:

  1. Writing and blogging;
  2. Freedom from addiction to pornography, masturbation and orgasms (PMO);
  3. Body image, naturism and nudism;
  4. Underwear choice, including none;
  5. Animation;
  6. LATEX;
  7. Linux;
  8. My denomination’s unofficial forum; and
  9. Yahoo! Answers

What I found was that I join these communities to find answers to my questions, engage the members in conversation, hear different points of views on a particular subject related to our interest, receive advice for tricky or fear inspiring situations, report problems, and to reciprocate. Those groups in the PMO category I joined for accountability reasons as well. Only one of the PMO groups was of any help to me. It’s for these reasons that I joined WordPress too. It’s also why I value your input and any advice you (can) give me.

Of course, my interests are broader than these. To find information on the rest of my interests I consult books, blogs and websites.

What I found is that ever since science writing became my career I am gravitating towards reaching out to those in my field. But, I don’t want to join an online community. Instead I want to engage with them on a more personal level by phoning or meeting them in person. Because my field is so broad, I thought of getting a career coach/counselor to help me get my perception right and narrow my interests. But, whether that’s a good thing to do or not, only time will tell.

These past two days also saw wanting to research stuff involving nudity of some sort, and although I researched (nude) sunbathing, I want to read about more naked activities. But, there’s a mental block. It’s like I cannot read up on such stuff because it goes against the stand I took and I would disappoint you, Frank, another friend of mine and God. I would have to reset my counter to Day 0 and start all over. That would mean that I postpone my eligibility for dating or courtship by almost 90 days and that I’ll practically have to wait another year for that–which is just not on! So, yeah, I won’t do it! I can’t do it!