The Pain of Intimacy

As I write my heart has a knife in it. My lungs buckle under the strain of gasping for breath. Pain spreads over my clouded chest as both
heart and mind struggle to make sense of this deepest of human needs: the need and desire for intimacy.

I long to be known not just sexually (which we’ve been programmed to associate with the word intimacy), but emotionally, physically (light, non-sexual touch like cuddling), intellectually and spiritually. We cannot be faulted for associating sex with intimacy since it is the most sacred, and the closest way physically we can be one with the person we love. When penetration occurs, man and woman become one flesh. But this unity is preceded by a unity of purpose and of emotion.

Now I must confess that I have never had real sex in my life. But I have always longed to be known by another person. I long to share my deepest, darkest secrets with someone and still be loved in spite of them. I long to hold the woman of my dreams so closely, to lay with her in my arms and breathe as one. I long for her to rest her head on my chest, to play with my hair and ears. I long for knowledge that she loves me despite my insecurities, quirks, defects in character and mistakes of the past. I long for someone who accepts me for who I am.

This acceptance of another person is one of the things that draws me to naturism, I think. People accept you for who you are and do not really care what you look like. But naturism only supplies one aspect of the intimacy I need.

Pornography promises the sexual aspect of the intimacy kaleidoscope. But as sugar is to bees so pornography is to me: it is without sustenance. The more you eat of it, the more you want until you become consumed with desire, destroying yourself in the process.

Massage also supplies an aspect of physical intimacy and if you go to a specific massage therapist you can build emotional intimacy too. But it is not the same.

A relationship with God provides all aspects of intimacy save the physical and sexual dimensions. It’s my desire to be so deeply one with God that when people look at me, they see Him.

So, I guess I need to go and find a girlfriend. Then hope and pray that she accepts me as I will accept her. And that our intimacy moves beyond acceptance to one of understanding. And in the moments we do not understand each other, I will pray that we will still love and accept one another for who they are because that’s the way God wants us to love Him, that’s the example Jesus set.

However, I am wary of finding a wife just to have my intimacy needs supplied. It seems very selfish of me. At the end of the day good, solid relationships are not based on what you get out of them but rather what you can give. So, I do not quite know what to do.

May God help me.

How do you deal with your intimacy needs?

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