This post is a continuation of the previous one and mainly deals with my relationship with my professor and struggle for freedom.
On Thursday, 29 May (313 DTG), I got a panic attack during a conversation I had with my professor. I was completely unprepared for the conversation although I knew it was coming. He had asked me to analyse data in a certain way and perform some experiments. I was still in the process of figuring out how I would go about carrying out his requests and also troubleshooting what I already did. He backed me into a corner. I lied instinctively. I confessed the truth immediately. And panicked. I don’t know to what degree my face contorted as my heart began to race, my breathing became shallow and my mind froze. It was the most horrible and the most humiliating experience ever. I said a quick prayer and God helped me gain control. It wasn’t a full blown panic attack, but it came pretty close in my books. Ever since then I am going about systematically to meet his requests.
It couldn’t have been any clearer how addicted to approval I am. Two fellow students I related the incident to said that they overcame their fear of authority figures by relating to them on other stuff and just realising that they are human. My accountability partner said that Joyce Meyer’s Approval Addiction is a good book. His mother-in-law struggled with approval addiction until God freed her from it. Joyce Meyer’s book was instrumental.
I see the danger of it, but I will share my thoughts on approval addiction in a Ramble which I’ll write once I worked through the book. Maybe the Ramble post will be in the format of a personal essay? We’ll see.
Another realisation I came to during these past three weeks is that I’m stuck in a cycle—a Cycle of Interest. In this cycle I move from reading about writing to nudity & nudism to sculpture to skimpy underwear. This Cycle of Interest is the source of the frustration I described earlier because my life, my interests consist of more than these four subjects.But I guess that because I don’t have the economic strength at this moment I cannot realise the goals connected to those interests.
This Cycle of Interest is another reason why I adopted the I-just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with mindset based on the belief that if I give my interests in skimpy underwear and in photographs of nude activities I would like to do one day the attention they want, they will die out eventually. I mean there are only so many things I would like to do nude. So, when I get the photos I want I will have no excuse to look for more photos of those activities. The photos in my Flickr account also serve as a reminder of what I’d like to do one day. So, by having them in my collection I don’t have to actively remember that I want to skinny dip with friends (in a particular place); run in a field of wild flowers; sunbathe on the deck of a yacht; wake up and stand by french doors as morning sunlight enters the room and warms my body as I look out over an open field without any fear of being seen, breaking the law or the gender body taboo; or hike nude in the mountains with some friends.
So that’s where I am in life at this moment.
May it go well with you until next time!