Following is the entry for 327-324 days to go (DTG). (Today I have 321 DTG.) I dwell a lot on the question of nudism and why some people are drawn to it. In this post I also share some of my more mundane experiences.
A year in review
To think that just a couple of days ago I would have celebrated one year of abstinence from pornography! But it would not have been a kosher victory though since I struggled with many definitions and conceptualisations finding myself in compromising situations now and again. I guess that’s why I was so keen on starting over.
Drive of the nude dude
Anyway, for the past few days the question of why I am drawn to naturism like a moth to a flame plagued me. I don’t mean naturism in the true sense of the word. I mean the love and desire to engage in activities in nature or the countryside without a stitch of clothing and the fear of breaking public indecency, moral and modesty laws.
Then, I began to wonder what drives true naturists and sympathisers (which I see myself as being) to do the same. The desire to know the answer to this question drove me to read a couple of nudist and naturist websites and blogs while making sure that I don’t see any photos. I even contacted two leading authors in the field who have not replied yet. I spent a lot of time in prayer as I asked God to reveal the reason to me. My past I did not leave alone either. I wanted an answer that went beyond the normal responses of freedom, comfort, and the negligible quality of clothing.
I remembered how I used to strip as soon as my parents left me alone at home. Their absence bestowed on me the freedom to run around naked at home and masturbate to my hearts content. After masturbating the endorphins that flooded my nervous system would be drained out. Feelings of loneliness, regret, disgust and frustration would then fill the void the endorphins left. So, the link between nudity and sex was quite solid in my mind. The link was strengthened by the naked women in Playboy magazines I used to masturbate to and fantasised about.
But, that all changed when I learned that nudity does not equal sex. That was a life changing truth because it allowed me to seperate nudity from sex. This happened about two years ago. And that’s when I wanted to practice good nudity. My disgust for the bad kind grew steadily over time. The psychological and spiritual nature of the porn addiction kept sabotaging my recovery. But I praise God for the help He has given me and for my accountability partner.
From the start being naked was a kind of freedom for me. It wasn’t the absolute kind that we find in Christ Jesus, but it was some kind. What I don’t understand is why I am drawn to seeking this kind of freedom. Being naked was a form of self-expression. With the discarding of my clothes, I discarded my stress, society’s expectations, anxiety, means of sexual stimulation as I used my clothes to masturbate, etc. I was free to be myself. I grew confident in and with my body. I acted on my health conscious thoughts. I appreciated Creation more. I felt free. And the bonus was that my nakedness didn’t have to end in sexual gratification!
My natural love for nature and my new found freedom from bad nudity merged soon after. For a long time I had exhibitionistic thoughts and fantasies. And my accountability partner can attest to how much I struggled to make sense of them throughout this past year. An exhibitionist who doesn’t want to expose himself to people out of fear of arrest or shocking them; yet drawn to be naked in the company of others in a same gender setting because mixed gender nudity goes against his beliefs, was what I was. In the end, after a huge struggle, a whole lot of prayer and discussions, I decided to dispense with dubious activities which might be misconstrued. I was not an exhibitionist.
With the dispensement of those dubious activities my desire to be free in nature increased. I saw those dubious activities as a kind of present manifestation of a promise that could only be fulfilled in the future. (I hope that makes sense.) So that’s the reason why in moments of great stress I think about the next time I will “get away from it all” to spend time with God in nature and also be naked there. (The places I choose are private with very little possibility of discovery.)
So, I guess I answered my question. For me it’s about freedom to dispense with my clothes and move around in my birthday suit. However, this freedom is kept in check by my inability to be naked just for the sake of being naked. There must be a definite purpose for my state of undress. I get uncomfortable very quickly. And that is most probably why I could never be a naturist or a nudist. I’m not comfortable being nude for no reason at all. It’s not a matter of comfort for me but a celebration of the freedom of solitude.
That said, the longing for company still exists which is why I often wish that my society and culture had bath house culture like the Koreans and Japanese have. Their bath houses are gender segregated and functional, i.e. they have a definite purpose that goes beyond relaxation and socialising.
I still want to know what fundamental motive drives nudists, naturists and their sympathisers to frollick around in the buff. So, if you are a naturist, nudist, or one who indulges ocassionally will you please answer in the comments below?
On Thursday, I bought three new books: Think Big by Ben Carson, Approval Addiction by Joyce Meyer and Prophet: A novel by Frank E. Peretti. I’m looking forward to reading these.
My friends who were at the Bible study last Monday said that their heads spun the whole week as a result of our discussion. The pastor who sat in and guided the study told us about his experiences with and warned us about demon possession. That formed part of the subject of being saved to serve. Every Christian is born into the Kingdom of God as a missionary. The two demoniacs of Gergesa (or Gadarenes) illustrate this perfectly as do the Samaritan woman, Levi Matthew, Paul, and many others. I was glad that I was not the only one who was unsettled by our discussion.
Impact of the naturist question
I worked on my thesis a little bit today (324 DTG) after spending the whole morning looking for answers to my question on what drives people to engage in naturist activities, let alone adopt the lifestyle. I just decided to call it quits. The only way I will get an answer is to talk to nudists and naturists. They won’t reveal the or their fundamental motive when asked directly. It will, however, be revealed during the conversation. It might occur as a theme or an omission or both. And that is a work of a lifetime! To speak to nudists in person I would have to cross boundaries I cannot in good conscience cross. I’m not willing to compromise the Truth for a less important truth.
But, if you are a nudist, naturist or a sympathiser will you please tell us what you think the fundamental motivator is in your life for your participation in the lifestyle?
Also, in the panel on the right there is a poll. Will you please choose one of the options? I am curious to see how many of my readers and followers like reading paperbacks, hardbacks, and e-books.