I’ve got some bad news for you all, I had a relapse this morning. I was triggered last night by a sex scene in The Matrix: Reloaded and just felt “worked up”. My mind skipped to possible sexual topics I could research on the Net but I already knew how to shave my pubes, how to put on a condom, what kind of underwear I liked, and that I couldn’t search for stuff with the term naked in it. So, instead I searched reddit for people’s hot spring experiences. I stumbled upon a guys account on how he had a spontaneous ejaculation while lusting after his aunt when they visited a Japanese onsen. I use the expression “to stumble upon” because, believe it or not, alarm bells didn’t go off. The thought of calling my accountability partner or just putting aside my phone didn’t occur to me.
I didn’t masturbate, ejaculate or fantasise about the account or for any other reasons. (I’ve still got my rocks, to put crudely.) But I am resetting my counter. My decision reflects the space where I am in my life right now, i.e. calling stuff quits when and where I can so that I can regroup and reprioritise things.
No amount of words can express my sadness but I’m not beating myself up about it. The whole situation revealed my reasoning process. And my debut on the dating scene has just been postponed by 212 days. So, yeah! What’s done is done; you can only learn from it.
I have since worked out an action plan like I did after my short relapse with masturbation, now, almost two years ago. And in all honesty, failing my porn abstinence was a relief. It gives me the opportunity to start over. My counter will run from sunset to sunset and it will count down the days beginning at day 365. It starts tonight. My porn recovery counter is exactly 300 days behind my masturbation abstinence counter which marks 65 days to go as of tonight. I’m pretty excited about this new beginning. May God grant me success!
On to other news, my team doesn’t want me to quit. We are all under a lot of pressure but I think they fail to understand the pressure I am under. Negativity is already bearing fruit among us to which I have made a considerable contribution. We need to talk about stuff else we will be torn apart.
I’m gaining ground with my literature review. I still have 4 sections to finish. Then I will review the manuscript and submit it for evaluation to my supervisors.
One of my articles was a hit among my dad’s colleagues. I thank God for that.
But let me get back to the literature review. Tomorrow’s Winds of Change post will mark the start of a new porn abstinence journey. It is not an attempt but a path.