Winds of Change: Days 206-207

March Music came to an end yesterday. It was a lot of fun going down memory lane like that. March Music didn’t cover all the genres of music that existed during the 1980s and 1990s; how could it? But I hope that you enjoyed the music never the less.

Tonight I will do something I don’t believe one should do especially on a public platform as WordPress and that is complain…

I’m really feeling the pressure. It’s a lot of pressure. My literature review is overdue. And I can’t take off from work to finish it because I have 5 audio recordings to edit and 3 articles to write, one of which is an interview. To the lab I must go to finish analysing some data which will take me a long time to do. The elders at my church didn’t communicate with each other timeously and now it looks like I didn’t inform them timeously about changes the youth would like make to the preaching roster. The one in charge of the preaching roster was upset because he heard about the proposed changes for the first time tonight. He wanted to know why I didn’t inform him. So I told him that I only followed the chain command–asking the youth elder and the head elder whether the changes could be made. They were then supposed to discuss the matter with all the local elders in our congregation.

I’m ready to type the next section of the literature review but I am at a loss for words. I’ve hit a blank. I’m so aware of the fact that my thesis is overdue, that I might losing marks, that I disappointed my professors again, that I can’t take off from work to devote time to finishing the literature review, and that I’m trying to do a semester’s work in 1 week! Today I realised that I cannot work on my thesis at work because of the pressure at work.

I wish I could just run away and finish my thesis. The knowledge that it was not a priority for me is mortifying. If it was high on my priority list, I would have pulled out all the stops to finish it on time. But I allowed myself to be distracted and to think that if I could just solve this problem or that problem then I’d have more time to devote to my thesis. But I was deluded. The more personal problems I solved, the more problems I ended up having like the hydra Hercules fought and slew.

I also sabotaged my studies by paying attention to the sense I had that I don’t belong in the lab. Whenever I entered the “zone” I would read a Marcus Buckingham book or one by John Maxwell and say to myself that I don’t really belong there. So, I’m filled with a lot of regret tonight.

One highlight for is that I finally bought George Orwell’s book 1984. I’ve been eyeing it for almost 10 years but refrained from buying it because I was under the impression that all fiction books are bad. But then I realised that my church’s colleges and universities all have English literature programmes. This made me search for the truth. Not all fiction books are bad, I saw. I now know about how one can identify bad fiction. As a result I resolved to read through the Classics: the works of Jane Austen, George Orwell, Victor Hugo, DantĂ©, Cervantes, Edgar Allan Poe, TS Elliott, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Robert Louis Stevenson and others. I wanted to read 1984 ever since I heard of Big Brother.

Over the last few days the constant writing and the freedom I now have to read fiction brought the fictional work that I’ve been contemplating for 12 years to life. Yesterday and the day before my mind was filled with scenes from the story which had started out as a short story. I now have a long list of questions I need to find answers to for the story to proceed. But that I’ll attend to once the first draft of my thesis is done or maybe during the course of time.

So, maybe I sabotaged myself by giving “free rein” to my creativity? Maybe I used it up or divered it so much that my literature review has to be completed on husks? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by everything?

What do you think?

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