Winds of Change: Day 197

A rondevouz with fate

This afternoon we had a mini family gathering at my aunt’s place. Some of my cousins were there. Now, I always had trouble with them accepting me which I spoke about before [will add link later]. But what happened this afternoon truly revealed their feelings towards me.

We sat in our aunt’s lounge while the aunts and uncles sat in the dining room. There were five or six of us, including my aunt’s husband. They spoke about restaurants they had visited while I literally sat in my corner looking at pictures of Christian sculptures and reading sculptors’ biographies. I did participate in the conversation, often cracking jokes with them. In the course of the conversation they mentioned a restaurant they would like to visit. Now I had gone to the restaurant with my parents last year and shared that information with them–twice. They, however, didn’t pay me any attention. They just continued their conversation as if I hadn’t said anything. My uncle heard though and inquired about the place.

I felt bad as anyone in my position would. As I analysed the situation I realised that it’s not that my cousins didn’t accept me; they were just not interested in me. Period. I would never be good enough for them because they didn’t care whether I was good enough or not.

As I said, I felt bad, but I am also free. I have since cut them out of my life. They don’t add value to me in anyway and they clearly don’t want me to add value to them. So, I won’t care about being in their company anymore. Of course, I will still care about them, we’re family. But more than that I refuse to give because they are simply not interested. Simply not interested. (I sense a poem there.)

As I observed them, I saw that they won’t understand my desire to sculpt or make a living from writing. Those aren’t things they are interested in doing so they can’t conceive of others doing it.

About lying low

I also feel bad about lying low with the youth leadership. It feels as if I’m hardening my heart and reject Christ. But I have to step back for the next four months to finish my thesis so that I can graduate at the end of this year. Maybe I should resign as youth leader? If I do, no one else will want to be because that’s exactly the reason I am the youth leader this year.

Stupid crazy dream

I didn’t have a wet dream this morning–a hatrick is more than good enough for me! Thank God! But I did have one crazy weird dream.

I dreamt that my sister and I were driving our car: she was driving, I wasn’t. It was one of those cars driving schools use that have two sets of pedals: one on the driving instructor’s side and one on the learner driver’s side.

It was a busy day in town. The roads were narrow due to the road works, trucks delivering their cargo, garbage trucks loading their cargo, milk trucks and a hot blistering wind. Traffic flowed well even though pedestrians were everywhere.

All of a sudden I took the wheel out of my sister’s hands, who had been speaking on her phone when the light turned green. I can’t remember our destination. But that’s when the trouble started. The more I tried to steer the car, the less control over it I had.

My sister grabbed the wheel and righted the car just as we headed for a milk truck. This happened quite a number of times. But I just took it from her again and tried to steer the car while sitting in the passenger (or in this instance the driving instructor’s seat). How I managed to change gears God alone knows because it was a manual car.

We were heading uphill by then and the danger of rolling back and colliding with another car was very real. The road painters had to vacate their posts while the on-coming cars veered out. All this happened while the truck in front of us tried to parallel parked. We weren’t responsible for it, but it sure felt like it.

When we reached the robot midway up the hill, I decided to give up and let my sister take the wheel.

Waking up from my dream, I had a strong impression that it applied to my life. The more I tried to manage my life, the more out of control it became. I also saw that my sister actually represented my mom who told me that I shouldn’t be the youth leader this year because my studies would suffer. And she was right. In fact, I now that that had I not been as actively involved in church leadership, I would have been done with my master’s degree a long time ago.

That said, the dream still left me confused. What was I supposed to do now? How do I handle my situation? What course of action should I take? Confused I went on my knees, apologised and asked the Lord to direct my steps. The sermon I listened to today was a reminder that we are God’s witnesses, chosen by Him to proclaim and live the Gospel. So, my prayer is that He will guide me. Yet I have to finish my degree this year.

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