Winds of Change: Days 175-179

Awaiting emancipation

I actually wanted to post yesterday (day 178) but I felt too terrible. I was shivering the whole day, had hot and cold sweats and almost fainted on the train on my way home yesterday afternoon. My mom said I was as pale as if I had never been in the sun before. Each and every muscle in my body contracted and relaxed to it’s own beat. A dissonant symphony. The muscles in my back all the way up to my neck did the Mexican wave. I could barely concentrate on my work. But luckily I finished my allotted portion for the day.

My vision blacked out on the train as I did my best to remain conscious. I didn’t want to collapse and have my bag stolen. I even thought of asking one of the seated passengers to exchange places with me, but thought the better of it. Before boarding the train, I asked the Lord to give me a seat, but He didn’t. In retrospect, I’m glad He didn’t else I would’ve slipped out of consciousness and missed my stop which is only one station away from my work. I also prayed that the train wouldn’t stop in between the two stations as it frequently does. That prayer God answered affirmatively. When I disembarked I grabbed hold of the woman in front of me’s shoulder when I saw that there was no way I would be able to disembark without falling on my face on the platform. My vision still hadn’t cleared up by the time I reached my destination.

As I made my way home my constant prayer was that the Lord would send a bodyguard of angels to protect me and that He would sustain me. My legs were weak and quivered with every step. You can do this, Eleazar! Rome wasn’t built in a day and you are building Rome with every single step you take! Just continue planting your one foot in front of the other.

When I got home my mom and sister were already there. My mom, the worry wort, fussed over me. I let her. I mean I could’ve died. Any woman with a maternal instinct would’ve have fussed over their only son like my mom did. So I got into bed and slept after eating a dry roll and drinking a laxative. My strength returned to me with time.

This morning my sister more than made up for my constipation. She vomited top and bottom. Her bed clothes became soiled in the process. I will spare you the nasty details. But suffice it to say that she is now lying in bed with a whole of rehydration packs and some pills to stop her diarrhea while I’m sitting in bed waiting for some indication from my body that it wants to commence some bowel movements.

Focus on sculpture

I spoke to an American fine art sculptor over the weekend who belongs to my denomination about nudity in art. He was very encouraging. He even wanted to Skype and teach me about the fine art industry. When I told him about the scale at which I intend sculpt initially he realised that he couldn’t help me. I greatly appreciated the affirmation I got from him. He convinced me to sculpt with clay, to start off with nude sculpts in order to get the anatomy and proportions right, and to sculpt maquettes and at the minimum size for a sculpture to be fine art.

So, yesterday saw me contact local sculptors to hear where they purchase their clay from if they work with clay. I got two positive responses so far of the six I contacted: one works with clay, the other with a wax-based substance. I will call the supplier of the clay sculptor later today.

I also bought a book on clay sculpture and a tree anatomy book today. They should arrive at the end of this month. When they arrive I will buy the rest of my clay sculpture tools. I photographed all my tools and equipment for the American sculptor who said that they are more than adequate. But I don’t feel they are. I want to buy larger sized loop tools, a lazy susan (i.e. a round rotating table), wire for armatures and my own set of wire cutters, side cutters and pliers.

Because of the stress I experienced last week, I have become more prone to headaches. The constipation definitely contributed to the headaches I’ve been experiencing.

Saturday night live

I attended a Christian poetry concert this weekend which was awesome. The poems aimed at making you do introspection and recommit your life to Christ. I attended the event because the poets usually support my youth group’s events and because one of our own belongs to them.

Life modeling

Today I came to the decision that life modeling is not for me. Not because I have hang ups about my body, but because I can’t sit still to save my life. Some part of my body must always move. If I try to sit still, I always end up rocking back and forth. So kudos to all the life models out there!

Counting time

Oh yes! Before I end this post there are 99 days left to my second masturbation abstinence anniversary and I’m one day way from the six month mark of my porn abstinence anniversary.

Love is in the air

Do you remember the girl I wrote about the last time where I wrote about the embarrassment that overwhelmed me while I greeted her and her mother in church as we made our way out of the building? (I will have to find the post and link to it tomorrow . . .) Well, she was in church this weekend and was quite shy. My reaction: Oh no, Eleazar! What have you done?! The woman thinks I’m in love with her. Anyway, my cousin who was standing next me with her (my cousin’s) cousin said, “What’s wrong with you, Eleazar? Why don’t you go for her? She’s so sweet.” I was taken aback by that statement. The woman only greeted me shyly after class over the weekend. (I will explain this class setup at a later date.)

To be honest, I like the idea of dating even marrying the lady but I’m not so sure whether I like her. I haven’t seen any bad character traits and her father is a pastor. Her mom and mine were friends. Her dad’s family and my mom’s family basically come from the same region of our country. But, and this is a very superficial reason really, I don’t find her physically attractive. Whenever we spoke I’m guarded. I am not myself. And it’s important for me to be my “unruly” self with the woman I will marry.

What complicates the situation even further is that I may not act the way I usually do when I know a lady likes me romantically. I’m usually cold, distant and almost a jerk about it. So now I don’t know what to do. But, it’s not that big of a deal.

Had she looked differently would I have pursued her? I’d have to answer no. I’m not ready for a girlfriend right now. I’m only six months into my porn recovery and am still finding my feet career-wise and financially. My thesis is not finished yet. So I don’t have time. A girlfriend (or wife) takes time, money and patience. The first two I don’t have much of right now and the latter I have plenty of since I can wait.

If I had all those things at my disposal would I pursue her? No, because I’m not so sure that I love her romantically.

This is going to sound very arrogant: I think my shyness and embarrassment comes from the fact that I know she likes me and that I could “have” if I really wanted to. Both sets of parents (hers and mine) would approve of the relationship.

But yeah . . . I’m leaving it in God’s hands. He knows who I am best suited to be with and who is best suited to be with me. If I am to get over this lack of physical attraction, He will make it happen.


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