Winds of Change: Days 173-174

I can’t believe how slowly the days are moving. But what I really can’t believe is that there are less than four months left to the second anniversary of my masturbation abstinence!

Day 174

An issue forced

Today I had a breakthrough. Last night I had gotten very little sleep. I was aware of every move I made in bed even though I wasn’t completely awake during those times. My mind was troubled by the programme I had to prepare for tomorrow night. Things just weren’t coming together. I prayed a lot asking God to give me strength, keep me faithful and to inspire me.

Finally, I realised that it’s not working out. So I went on my denominations youth site where I found some programme ideas. (Now, I had printed these a long time ago and used a couple of them in the past. They are ready-made programmes. All you need to do is print them, buy the materials and presto! the programme is completed.) So I picked a programme on which our up coming mini-campaign would on.

Then I had the headache of buying the necessary materials for the programme. My budget had already been worked out. But I decided to sacrifice my driving lessons’ money to buy the materials. That’s what I bought tonight as well as some equipment for my new hobby: wax sculpture.

Anatomy studies and the gender question

I also bought a human anatomy book since sculpture requires that I study the forms of the subjects I will make. Now these anatomy studies opened another can of worms. Part of the reason why I couldn’t sleep last night was the worry that I would be crossing the gender barrier to sculpt and study the physique of women. Some sculptors recommend that novices study nude photos of men and women to understand how the muscles, skin and bones work together to centre the person.

My problem is quite simple you see. I’m a recovering porn addict and nude photos especially when seen on a computer screen or cellphone makes alarm bells go off. Whether the photos are aesthetic or pornographic doesn’t matter. The realisation that I don’t have to start off studying the female form laid my fears to rest. The male figure is good for studying muscles. So I decided to start off with that.

I therefore resolved never to consult photographs of naked people during my anatomical studies unless they form part of an anatomy book. It’s better for me to work from memory, sculptures and life.

The gender barrier is very deeply ingrained. I have no qualms studying the male nude figure to sculpt it, but the female nude figure . . . I just don’t know.

Flickr moments

I was only supposed to visit Flickr from tomorrow onwards but because I had such a hectic, mentally draining week behind me I decided to cut myself some slack and look at some pictures. I favourited quite a number of pictures. Some of them contained posterior aesthetic nudity. I did see a couple of anterior or frontal nudity photos and hesitated about whether I should take the time to study them or not because of the aforementioned debate. I decided not to. That would be playing with fire. I searched for photos of kayaking, night swims, waterfall, lake and river dips and floats, water, silhouettes, skydiving, snorkeling, scuba diving, and sculptures. I wanted to get more photos with blues, golden, pink and black hues as well as tasteful posterior skinny dipping shots like the one in 10 Flickr Favourites. My desire was not to see naked people as much as to be naked in those settings myself, to experience those sunsets and sunrises, and the tranquility that accompanies them. I basically spent my whole looking for beautiful photos since my last two articles are at the editors’ while the other article’s webload is pending.

Day 173

Yesterday I was extremely tired and stressed. It felt like a vice was attached to my mind exerting a not so gentle pressure that incapacitated my thought processes. My prayer was that the Lord would keep me from sinning. I was plagued with impure thoughts and the awareness that fatigue weakens your resistance to the temptation to look at porn was there. The worry of the little time I devoted to my thesis during the passed week stressed me even more.

Time out

To calm down a bit I sat on the windowsill in my room, looked out at the neighbouring apartments and houses, breathed in the cool fresh air, and spoke to God.

Figure modeling research

I also read up on figure modeling classes here in my country whether there were any and where. I was also interested in knowing how male figure models dealt with erections while modeling and thought that finding out would do no harm. I stayed clear from all pornographic and erotic websites. I didn’t want to fill my mind with that filth and break my porn abstinence.

When the vice-like grip lifted this afternoon (Day 174), I felt such relief and joy! The stress of creating a programme from scratch without any money budgeted for it was my main stressor followed by my articles and then by the gender barrier question.

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