I wrote this entry last night–hence the block quote–but never got ’round to posting it. Inspiration hit and I had a job to finish. So below are the entries for Sunday (day 170) to Tuesday (day 172) of this week.
Please note that the content of On the porn front is a little bit mature.
Talk about stress! My shoulders are tight, my mind is fogged, my thoughts are everywhere as I try and manage life. Then there’s the fear of failing to write a great article to satisfy my target audience and editors. That’s the reason why I am writing this post so early so that I can clear my plate and settle what can be settled tonight.
I was exhausted last night, very lethargic while my mind was all over the place. I played an album of Eva Cassidy (which I danced to in my own quirky way) followed by Deep Blue and a Joshua Bell album to occupy my mind while I read some papers.
I think I might have a slight case of writer’s block. As I’m writing this I’m saying to myself, “Don’t worry, Eleazar. Just write. You can always change the content later. The important thing is that you have saying to change which you don’t have right now.” That’s how my internal dialogue goes sometimes when the subject or audience is daunting. And then I write.
I’m somewhat of a perfectionist who realises that failure is part of life. Editors are there to correct my mistakes and to help me state the point clearer. I think that I’m just scared of writing for this target audience because they don’t have much time on their hands and I want the piece to capture their attention and to get the message across well.
On Sunday I was so tired that I just relaxed. I couldn’t bring myself to read even though I read for my thesis and a paper for the article I’m writing. Saturday’s late night also contributed to the fatigue.
Anyway, I’m going to buy some more equipment this month and a human anatomy book. My ultimate goal is to sculpt scenes from the Bible and to create geometric sculptures. There is one image that I would like to sculpt and cast in bronze that I conceived as a teenager. I drew the scene but lost the page during the course of time. And I thought of photographing the scene but you won’t find the vegetation here or close to where I live. Yet the image remains fresh in my memory.
With all the reading and stressing, I’ve not been able to attend to my thesis’ literature review. My time is short.
The church youth is also keeping me busy since we have to plan for programmes that will take place on Friday night and Saturday. We also have a camp in April and a mini-evengelistic campaign led by the youth in March. So we’re quite busy.
One lesson God is teaching me is that leaders initiate. They don’t wait for others unless the situation calls for it.
On the porn front
Now this might come as a complete shock to some of you. In the past, I used to have relatively major anxiety problems. To cope with the stress, I masturbated. Masturbation and porn became dissociated early in my solo career when I realised that I didn’t need porn to get myself revved up. Anyway, almost two years ago I became serious about quitting masturbation which I believe to be bad and, for lack of a better word, a perverse expression of the gift of sex since sex is supposed to be shared between two people who love each other and not about satisfying yourself–only. To help me cope with the withdrawal symptoms and stressors of life, I prayed more and opted to go nude so as to minimise unwanted friction in my sensitive area(s). This I did because I invented a way to masturbate using my clothes as tools.
It also helped me to dissociate nudity from sex which in my book is a very important step for the recovering porn and masturbation addict to take.
Therefore, I frequently found myself waking up at night with a raging erection and pulsating heart. To alleviate the stress I would get up, stand naked by the window of my dorm room and look at the trees after making a cup of South African red bush tea which calmed me down too. I would stand there and listen to the night sounds. Now, I am not an exhibitionist although the thought of being seen naked thrilled me. I never intentionally exposed myself to anyone nor would I dream of doing it. Why? Out of fear of prosecution and because it’s just ethically and morally wrong to force the sight of your naked body onto anyone no matter what the reason.
That said, it took me a long time to learn that it’s okay to roam around naked outside in the country only as long as no one can see you but never in the city. That deep seated longing for nature and the remote freedom that comes with living close to the mountains are what hampered my progress in this regard.
All of that just to say, that last night I stood naked by my window again without thinking. When I “came to” I didn’t want to get dressed but I did so eventually and apologised to God. I had broken a law. So that’s how I dealt with the stress and through writing, of course, as well as by learning about sculpture and the importance of anatomy studies for sculptors.