Winds of Change: Days 143-146

Just as I was about to post the following last night, my internet cut out. So here’s my next post . . .

My apologies for not posting so frequently. Life is happening!

I have a million and one things on my mind and at night, when I usually post, I am too tired to write anything or formulate a post. But, I have to write tonight for therapy’s sake. There are quite a number of themes that are occupying my mind. I will write something about each of them.

Solo Retreat

I can’t help but frequently think about this past weekend. It was truly amazing! I took a couple of pictures of the place and some of the wildlife I saw. I will post them soon. I should actually have published them with that post, but time to Photoshop them, I did not have.

Flickr

I’ve been on there quite a lot lately looking for photos with the search terms “waterfall swim”, “lake swim”, “waterfall dip”, “lake dip”, “dip”, “fire”, “sculpture”, “wax sculpture”, “chinese sculpture”, “water wade”, “wet”, “soak” and “free”. I saw some nudes but I skipped by them. It was not my intention to look at them. I wish I could share those photos with you, but that would compromise my anonymity. My Flickr account has three followers so far. I know it’s not much, but it means something.

Anyway, the photos I like are mostly landscapes with some wildlife. There are lots of sunsets and sunrises and a couple of very aesthetic nudes–no frontal nudity.

Wax Sculpting

I’ve been playing around with the idea of what I should by next. My colleague made me question my commitment to fitness by her surprise reaction to my voiced intention to do body weight training. I mean, if I really wanted to do body weight training then I would not have been swayed so easily. We spoke about it today (Day 146) and she encouraged me to go with pilates. Pilates, by the way, is one of the four fitness things I would like to do. The other three are running, squash and kayaking. But, I must learn to swim freestyle first and overcome my fear of drowning.

So back to wax sculpting. The wax tool sets and alcohol lamp I ordered with the freed up money will be picked up tomorrow. The book I ordered must still come. I have a couple designs I want to try out. Before I sculpt them, I need all the tools. So I’m just waiting for the book to arrive so that I can continue purchasing the tools.

Thesis

I saw my professor on Wednesday (Day 145). The meeting was great. We connected on a personal level. My family and I prayed quite a bit for a good meeting. One of the reasons why it went so well, I believe, is because his opinion of me did not matter to me. We spoke as equals–almost.

Throughout the morning I processed and collated my data so that I could make a good presentation. I had thought that it would go quickly, but I made some calculation errors which I took me a long time to correct. I had to work my way through 8 experiments’ data which is a lot. Luckily, I didn’t have to process them from scratch.

I couldn’t register because the data processing took up all of my time. So, I will register next week.

A task he gave is due tomorrow. I pleaded with him to set a deadline for my thesis’ literature review. He didn’t want to set one at first, but soon came to understand how important a deadline is to me. He set the deadline for mid-March. I have a lot of work to do since I told him that I would spend three hours each night on the literature review.

Leadership

I actually didn’t know what to title this section, so I settled on the actual topic. I have a lot of administration work to do like preparing a budget, working out the agenda and other stuff. My main focus is on how I should approach people and situations. This uncertainty occupies a lot of my thought life. I always worry about how my actions are perceived. Did I say something the right way? Did I do the right thing by talking to this one about it? Shouldn’t I inform that one too? How will I talk to our elder? What should my attitude be? Did I use the right leadership style there? Etc.

We will meet with our elder on Saturday in the afternoon. I hope that I won’t have to defend the team’s freedom because our elder can be quite a control freak. I used to be one too.

On the porn front

Prior to searching for “wet” on Flickr, I got flashes of women in wet white t-shirts. But, that’s not why I did the search. I have a thing for water. I love water. So, I wanted to see what images, besides the sexually laden ones, would come up. I wasn’t even remotely interested in the sexual ones. I closed my eyes and scrolled down as quickly as I could to get to the pictures I really wanted. This is why I want to show you my Flickr Favourites so that you can see what kind of photos I like to look at, and would like to take one day when I’m mobile and graduated. I think I will make a post with links to the photos with a short explanation of why I like them if they can’t be embeded.

Other than the occassional impure thoughts I’ve had, it’s been going well. Yesterday (Day 145) when I was at my university, I remembered how sexual my thoughts were and what the old Eleazar would’ve done and thought.

One thing that stood out for me about the girls on campus was 99% of them were wearing these extra-short shorts (hot pants-like shorts). It felt like I was back in Korea. I didn’t dwell on that for long. It was just an observation.

I did not have a wet dream yet. I fear having a wet dream in a guest house or hotel bed (with white linen). I don’t want the owners or housekeeping staff to think badly about me as if I masturbated on purpose and got a thrill out of it. The temptation to look for answers on the Internet is there. I know that people who have sex use a towel to catch the body fluids. On the first night of my Solo Retreat I tried to sleep with a towel placed under my pelvic area, but I didn’t get much sleep. The fear that I would move off it or squirt contributed to me not sleeping so well. I slept on my boxers the second night. It went better. There came a point where I just said, “Enough is enough. If I cum, I cum. They just have to deal with it.” But, I secretly hoped that I didn’t.

So why don’t I just sleep in boxers instead of sleeping nude? My problem would be solved then, wouldn’t it? You see, sleeping in boxers won’t make a difference because the semen would seep through the material and onto the bedsheets anyway. Any advice?

Work

My second article is almost done. I submitted it Wednesday morning at 4am and received it back with a couple of edits. I have to give more information on one of the studies I wrote about. For that to happen I have to read a 35 page article (references included). My editor said that it’s a very controversial topic I chose and that I have to think carefully. Both articles I wrote for the February issue of our publication are controversial and will draw out a good discussion among our readers. I have to finish that article tomorrow.

So that’s my (thought) life.

I have not forgotten about listing my dreams on here as two people asked me to do in the poll I had. The answers to the assignments in Restoring Your Sexuality Back To Biblical Foundations will also be posted soon–over the course of the weekend, hopefully. I will see whether I can’t share some of the photos I liked on Flickr with you but that will only happen next week.

Now I will go ahead and analyse my data for thesis (and professor).

G’nite!

Oh yeah! I can’t wait for my next massage appointment! Cheers!</blockquote

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