Winds of Change: Days 134-136

One down

Guess what? I just finished article 1 for this month’s issue. It was one of the most difficult articles I have ever written but it was also the most rewarding.

It was difficult because I was afraid of failing. By that I mean, I was afraid that the article would not match the vision my editor had for it; a vision I was only partially privy to.

The article was rewarding because I learned so many interesting things along the way. I learned to see things from a different perspective.

I still have to write a second article for this month’s issue.

On the porn front

I decided to keep track of all my image and video searches for this whole week (19-25 January) and share the list with you on Sunday, 26 January. I don’t know why, but I just feel like sharing the list with you, to give you more insight into my thought process.

That reminds me of a figure model’s blog. He liked one of my posts so I read some of his posts yesterday. In the first post I read, he answered questions on what it’s like to be a figure model. (A figure model is someone who, more often than not, models nude for art classes.) Winds of Change makes me a figure model of sorts since my thought life is on display.

I had some close encounters as I performed some image searches but nothing came from them.

Picture perfect

Lately, when I open sites like YouTube,, Google or Flickr a bunch of sexual search terms and concepts flood my mind leaving me transfixed. I have to take a moment or two to remember why I accessed the search engine and then continue with my search. Sometimes I give in and search for the least sexual and dubious terms.

Before writing this post, I was on where I searched for “art aesthetic”, “male” and “porn recovery”. The “male” search was impulsive. While searching for “porn recovery” I had an epiphany. The flood of search terms I experience whenever I open a search engine is like a mental erection. Yip, you heard me correctly, a mental erection.

Let me explain. One of the first things you realise when you quit masturbation is that an erection is not an indication that you need to masturbate (or have sex), is not always sexual, and can happen involuntarily. Erections are not a good indicator of sexual desire (as I’ve explained before). In the same way, the flood of sexual search terms are a kind of involuntary, spontaneous erection borne out of anticipation of what I would learn from the unrelated search term I had set out to study.

The POCD monster returns

I had a brief moment of POCD today (Day 136) and yesterday (Day 135). This made me determined to buy two books on OCD that will hopefully help me.

In the interest of love

The youth executive committee is almost fully formed. We just need to rope in two more people. I’m really surprised at how excited the youth are about me being the youth leader. I pray that we will work well together.

On Saturday (Day 134), I attended a couple of “training” sessions held by the conference (or diocese, as Anglicans and Catholics would say) to train and dedicate us. The real training sessions will happen in February. But, at this past weekend’s training session I spoke to a woman who I seem to fancy. My interest in her is different from all the other women I had a crush on because I know that she likes me. And I’m not afraid of whether she will accept me or not. I like her external appearance and her internal appearance. I don’t know her that well but she is friendly, smiles a lot and is kind hearted which is like the early morning sun glinting off the waters of a lake in the mountains to a melancholic souls such as I.

The pastor’s kid who I wrote about last week was also at the training session. She sang in a choir that performed. When I saw her on stage, my thoughts were very superficial. They were along the line of “how much meat does she have on her bones? She doesn’t look pretty when she loses weight.”, “I could learn to love her if it’s God’s will that we should be together.”, etc. I’m pretty embarrassed by these thoughts. Yet I feel compelled to be honest. Maybe I’m just making a case for why I like the other lady more?

I realise I’m rambling so I’ll just end this post now.



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