Winds of Change: Days 130-133

A Collection of Disjointed Thoughts

This post sort of documents the train of thoughts I had and the lessons I learnt over the past few days. Here I share the insights I’ve gained as well as the steps I’ve taken in the areas of leadership, wax sculpting, my spiritual life, porn recovery and underwear choice.

Leading the Pack

After some introspection and a test or two, I discovered that my preferred leadership style is democratic in nature where the leader allows the group to make the final decision. My fear of leading sprouts from making decisions that do sit well with the group.

Over the past couple of days I learned that one’s leadership style has to change depending on the situation and the level of your teams’ expertise. I did not know this. I was always under the impression that your leadership style is rooted in your personality and is immutable. I also thought that when I make decisions on my own, I let the team down. But sometimes such steps are necessary for nothing less than the greater good.

My superficial Wikipedia and study has also shown me that my boss favours an authoritarian-democratic style, while my co-promoter at university favours a democratic-maternalistic style. My promoter (or professor, if you will) favours a lasaisse-faire (free rein) style. I’ve added the paternalistic and transformational leadership styles to my preferences.

My team at church will mostly consist of inexperienced individuals–inexperienced with regards to youth work. My old team mates and I will train the new team whose aim will be to build up our local church youth again. The local church youth scattered when we, the old team, began emphasising a relationship with Christ more. Although the task is daunting, God’s biddings are enablings.

Prayer Life

These past few days saw me earnestly praying for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, the (spiritual) gift of leadership, help with my and my sister’s studies, for God to lead my church’s youth, and His blessing and guidance with my sculpting endeavours.

On Tuesday (Day 130) I expressed my fear of becoming legalistic as I draw closer to God to Frank, my accountability partner. Frank said that I don’t have anything to worry about since legalism and a life that truly honours God are mutually exclusive. I also came to understand that I care a whole lot more about what others think that what I thought at first. (That’s my own conclusion.)

I’m still reading Who do you think you are? which I’m almost done with. The current chapter discusses the importance of our thoughts. “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7 (KJV).

On the Porn Front

The battle for my mind rages on as I fight sexual fantasies. I’ve been praying for a wet dream, but have not had one yet. I thought I would have one last night–every night, in fact–but no such luck. I’ve also been worried that I might get an SE (spontaneous ejaculation) while at work or on my way to the train station. But, I know that the dream will come at the right time. As day 133 draws to a close, a new day of my abstinence from masturbation has already dawned. On this Friday night there are still 141 days to go for my second anniversary of abstinence from masturbation!

The Underwear Saga Continued

What attracted me to c-strings, or rather made them less repulsive to me, is that they had a non-sexual, non-erotic purpose. In one of the review articles or forum posts, I read (can’t remember which it is, when or where) that it’s good for not getting tan lines when one sunbathes. It is this that made me want to buy it.

This morning (Day 133) I imagined what it would be like to wear it as underwear and I realised that I have no use for it outside of covering my genitals when I sunbathe. I would rather wear boxer shorts or no underwear at all than to be “cooped up” in a c-string that leaves little room for movement. There are c-strings with pouches that leave such room. Why would I want to spend money on those when I could just going with my preferred underwear choices? Furthermore, I don’t sunbathe a lot. The only place where I can sunbathe is at the beach and c-strings, which leave little room for the imagination, are not permitted at the beaches here.

That said, it would still be great to have one in my closet for when I want to get an overall tan. But, then, I have to hide it away from my family, and it will motivate to go to places where I can put it to good use. I’m not sure if I’m willing to commit to that.

I think what scares me is the power I imagine it will have over me. It might even cause me to want to show it off which is definitely not on!

So as much as I am intrigued by it, I would rather wrap my bits in a towel when I sunbathe not to have tan lines. A small towel does as good a job as a c-string.

Sculpting Wax

The wax carving tools I ordered on Monday (Day 129) arrived at the post office today. We will pick them up tomorrow morning. I also ordered a bottle of white spirits yesterday (Day 132) which will be used for smoothing the sculptures. The bottle of white spirits should arrive sometime next week. Next I will buy two additional tool sets, an alcohol lamp, a hair dryer, a large cutting mat and two books. The one book will be my tutor on wax and plaster sculptures while the other will teach me about some other art form I aim to fuse with wax sculpting. I will most probably buy the books first since they are more expensive than the other equipment.


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