Today was an awesome day. Such a lot of stuff happened!
I just came back from a service at one of our sister churches, i.e. that church belongs to the same denomination my church belongs to but it’s in a different suburb. At the service a group of 10 or 12 people gathered to pray for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in their own lives and in the lives of others. It was amazing! After the day I had, I really needed it!
On the porn front
Throughout the day I was plagued by sexual fantasies. I craved porn. In my mind’s eye I saw how I would enter search terms in Google’s Image search engine and revel in its results.
I wondered whether my country has any websites that sell men’s thongs and proceeded to search for them. I found them and saw a kind of thong that had repulsed me by its compactness. But this time it seemed wearable. I saw some mesh underwear and the living models who wore them. But my gaze did not linger.
I was tempted to think about the images of the male models but, by God’s grace, I did not entertain the idea. Yet things got so bad that I texted Frank, my accountability partner, and asked him to pray for me. I cannot explain the relief I experienced a couple of seconds after I received his positive reply. I even began singing a praise song in my heart. But it did not last long.
Taking the dip
Soon I was tempted to look into skinny dipping which I decided to give in to. My reason was that it’s part of finding a place for nudity in my life. I know it sounds absurd. The way I see is: by engaging in pornography and masturbation I took nudity and sexuality out of the box God gave me for safe keeping and disfigured them; now God is out to restore them to their original state which has me evaluate every aspect of nudity and sexuality and their place in a Christian’s life. In the context of the person I want to be and the kind of friends I want to have, skinny dipping with them will have no place. Yet there is a place for skinny dipping alone and with my wife (when I’m married one day) as long as I/we follow the sensible tips I downloaded today.
I also bought a 12 piece wax carver tool set today.
Help for a friend in need
After work my friends and I met to discuss our plans for a programme that will take place in four weeks’ time. Our goal we did not meet. Instead they helped me work out a plan for the year and who I can involve in the youth leadership officially and unofficially. Two of my friends are willing to support me officially while the other two will do so unofficially. I don’t feel so alone anymore. The youth elder is not one of the best but the Lord has made us work together so I hope that we will fulfill our God-given purposes.
On the spiritual and porn front, I believe that things will get worse. God is stirring up the hornet’s nest as I begin to heed His calls for complete surrender.
My situation reminds me of Joshua, the nation of Israel’s second leader. Joshua took over from Moses who had left very large shoes to fill. He was afraid even though God and Moses groomed him for the position. So, after Moses’ death, the Lord spoke to Joshua and told him not to be afraid; as God was with Moses so He would be with Joshua. God went on to promise:
“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” Joshua 1:9 KJV
And Joshua, though he made many mistakes, became one of the great leaders of Israel. He was privileged enough to the Lord face to face (Joshua 5:13-15). My prayer is that the Lord will bless my ministry and give me the gift of leadership.
The youth elder: a short history
I, more than anyone else, know that I am not perfect especially with my past. But I was placed in this position once before and refused to accept the youth leader post. The man who is now the youth elder (he’s neither an ordained nor unordained minister) was the youth leader the church board chose to replace me with. That was in 2011. They made me his second in command. The team I gathered to support me before his appointment left one by one after his appointment . . .
That said, I believe in a God who can change people. He changed me! So, who’s to say that the elder was not changed?
The future of my church’s youth is in God’s hands.
Side Note: Tonight marks the start of day 148 to my second no-fap (no masturbation) anniversary. Because I can’t seem to find the kind of desk calendar I normally use to keep track of my abstinence days, I will include my no-fap counter here until I get the calendar I want.