Winds of Change: Days 120-121

My holiday ended this weekend. I’m not sad about it since it’s just a natural part of life. It was truly one of the best holidays ever! I spent a good amount of time with my family and friends. I spent time with God, made progress in recovery from pornography and masturbation, went to bed late and slept in, enjoyed the night winds as I stood by my window every night.  The holiday was awesome!

WTH?

Something embarrassing happened this weekend. There’s this girl, now a woman, whom I used to like. She isn’t drop dead gorgeous but she does seem to have a good personality and character. I don’t know her all that well, but our moms were childhood friends. She’s pastor’s kid. We used to visit them a few times when they lived in our area and also when her father pastored our church.

After the service, my church has the pews emptied row by row. I sat two or three rows ahead of her and her parents so I entered the queue to exit the church before them. While walking in the slow moving queue I nodded my head to say hi. I wasn’t nervous; I was just super-aware of them and that I had to greet them. When I was inline with their row, I leaned over and greeted her mom with a kiss (that’s how we greet here) and shook her hand. At that moment I became so self-conscious to the point where I couldn’t look her mom in the eye.I didn’t think any sexual thoughts. I just became super-embarrassed for no apparent reason.

Growing up my question always was “Is this the woman I will marry?” I asked it for every girl I liked and she was no exception. When I sat in church, I couldn’t help but think of the day I asked that question. I remember the inside of their home and the dark shed-like room in the back of the house where I stood and thought said question. When I like a woman I tend to visualise what our lives would be like and our interactions with our parents-in-law.

Anyway, after I greeted them I couldn’t leave the church fast enough.

The Radical Prayer

This this weekend also saw me basically complete The Radical Prayer by Derek Morris.  I say “basically complete” because I did not read the last two sections of the final chapter because of fatigue. I highly recommend that you get your hands on the book. The Radical Prayer is a short, practical treatise of Luke 10:1-3, 20-21. I can give you a short summary, but that would spoil it for you. But I will say this, it’s a call to ask God to send forth labourers and to begin the work with you and me.

Suits

I also watched the first season of Suits this weekend.  The season ended on such a high note that it had me wondering the whole night through about how Mike and Harvey would deal with the damage Mike’s friend Travis caused by telling Jessica Pearson Mike’s fraudulent secret. I watched episodes 6 to 12 on Sunday and the others throughout the holiday. I will reward myself with season 2 when I begin writing my literature review.

On the porn front

I’m still waiting and praying that the Lord will reveal to me who else I am to forgive so that I can complete the rest of the assignments of chapter 10 (of Restoring Your Sexuality Back To Biblical Foundations). There were a couple of sex scenes in some of the Suits episodes, but those I just skipped passed. I’m really looking forward to my solo retreat this month.

The excitement of Suits which kept me up almost the whole night also created a kind of sexual tension. I didn’t not masturbate nor did I look at porn, but I did place my genitals in such a way so as to increase my chances of getting wet dream. I also prayed and asked God to give me a wet dream, but no such luck.

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