I am currently working my way through Restoring Your Sexuality Back to Biblical Foundations which has assignments at the end of each chapter. This post is in answer to the assignment at the end of chapter 8 which is long overdue. But God knows why I postponed publishing until today. The answer to question 3 is different from the one I wrote originally because I got clarity on an issue which I’ve been trying to come to terms with for a long time.
Feel free to leave a comment at the end of the post.
1. Ask God to show you some of your triggers. Write them down.
Lust, “horniness”, boredom, fatigue, procrastination, stress, anxiety, loneliness, desire for stimulation or to be energised, anger, frustration, sadness, despair, and curiousity. Phrases, keywords, scenarios and question that randomly–sometimes not so randomly–pop into my head.
2. Next write down some of the behaviours that you identified with as you read this chapter.
3. Ask the Lord to show you the roots to these behaviors. [For e]xample[,] the root to my frustration is that when I was growing up my dad would abuse my mom, I felt helpless and frustrated. . . .
For this we will delve into my childhood.
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. My dad worked for the government while my mom stayed at home to look after my sister and I. Before she became a stay at home mom, she worked as a receptionist for a doctor in the area.
I never saw myself as nerdy back then. I liked playing outside with my toys, gardening, and reading. I liked video games too. Now we didn’t have a lot of money during my formative and post-formative years so I pretty much appreciated my toys. My (“wealthier”) cousins did not. Whenever they played with them one or two would either disappear or be broken. When I used to visit them and play in their rooms, they would always tease me and leave me either crying or having to defend myself against them. I’m not the athletic type, one was athletic and the other practised karate so you can imagine my predicament. The karate kid’s sister also joined in the fun when I visited their house.
It got so bad that I just decided that I didn’t need them in my life anymore. They were from my mom’s side. There was one cousin from my dad’s side who also used to fight with me but him I could handle.
I didn’t like my mother back then because she never defended me. What mother calls the children who make sport of her son her son or daughter then proceeds to kiss and hug them? How is her real son supposed to feel? My mom’s family is big so you can imagine how often I used to hear that! When I entered the 3rd grade, I began questioning whether I was good enough to be her son. It angered me.
My dad was distant. I helped him around the yard and stuff in my pre-pubescent days and adolescence but their was a rift. My mom wanted to shield me so much that many a time when my dad needed my help in the yard she would interfere and make me stay inside. Looking back now I think she tried to make up for the abuse I suffered at the hands of my cousins. I had cut them off and immersed myself in a world of hot babes, hot sex, and rock hard masturbation sessions by that time. After being introduced to them in the 4th grade, I escaped to my paradise of lust whenever I could get a chance.
But this entry is not about my adventures in the world of pornography, it’s about explaining the origins of my triggers. I actually forgot about her role in my ill-treatment until she reminded me this afternoon.
Anyway, I experienced the unfairness of life at a very young age. And although I suffered no sexual abuse, I felt rejected by parents, as if I wasn’t good enough to be their son, that other kids had something I didn’t have.
My mom decided to stay home and raise my sister and I after seeing me stand outside my nanny’s house one afternoon when they came to pick us up. The other children had teased me. It wasn’t the first time they did that. But it was certainly the last. So my mom stayed at home for the next four or five years at which point she relaunched her career as a receptionist. My cousins still teased me and later excluded me though while she still called them her children.
The reason why my mom did not defend me was because there was a whole backdrop of family politics that I was unaware of. My dad put things into perspective for me this afternoon while we sat in my aunt’s kitchen. She and my mom reminisced about the ill-treatment they suffered at the hands of certain family members because they were not as economically strong as the others. I’m not going to go into all of that.
I know that I make it seem as if I was a victim and I am to a certain degree, but I also had a role to play in all of this which escapes me.
So the events I just described are the source of my need for intimacy, the desire to be myself with others not having to put on a mask, anger at the injustices of life, frustration with my inability to change things and loneliness. The fatigue originated from over-masturbating and over-reading. I’m a curious person by nature but my curiousity was perverted by my interest in pornography and masturbation. My boredom was simply a combination of desiring a neurochemical hit from porn or masturbation and procrastination.
My parents also raised me not to trust people not even church pastors. So when I was ready to seek help in my teens for my addictions, there was no one I could really turn to. This fed my loneliness and perfectionism.
You see, one of my main reasons for falling into the porn trap was the idea that I needed to be prepared with sexual knowledge before I get married. I thought that I needed to know where and how to touch my wife to satisfy her sexually, to have an arsenal of sexual positions ready for her pleasure and mine, to know what pleases me. I bought into the lie that my penis had to be longer to reach her g-spot so that she would not seek out another man or, God forbid, an animal. I bought into the lie that you needed to experience sex mentally, physically or both prior to marriage to gain experience and be an awesome lover.
But, I learned that it just ruins your life, your love, and your spirituality. Sex and sexual health topics becomes your god and you look out for no one but yourself. Your lover becomes a tool to satisfy your (dare I say, perverted?) desires which cheapens any bond that might’ve existed between the two of you. And even though I have never been romantically involved with anyone before, I have seen the above scenario play out many times in my family to know that that is not the way God wants us to live.