Winds of Change: Day 114

A feeling of sobriety pervaded this day. It started this morning when I woke up to a wet dream; the contents of which escapes me.

It was followed by a whole morning spent reading pizza delivery guys’ (and gals’) stories. As you know, I like reading other people’s stories especially when surprises are involved. And I always wanted to know about their “eccentric” clients. I shied away from the stories that had exhibitionistic clients answering the door and the like although the temptation to read them did exist. I did read stories of accidental nudity though which shook me a little. I can’t say that I didn’t want to read them, that I didn’t expect to encounter them. And I’m afraid to admit that I wanted to read such stories, to live the life of a (pizza) delivery guy. The reason why didn’t read the other stories was because they would make me fail. Most of the stories I read were about delivery guys getting robbed or not being tipped.

I wish I could say that I didn’t want read the stories with nudity in them, but I can’t. So, did I fail? Most probably yes. Will I reset my counter? No. Why? Because it’s part of my journey. Will I read such delivery guy stories again? You bet your behind I won’t! I’m not going to put my abstinence on the line for a neurochemical hit. It’s not worth it.

I had this cloud hang over me all day today.

My family and I checked out the venue of my solo retreat. It’s not as remote or beautiful as I envisioned it to be. There are homesteads and outbuildings about 500m away from the cottage. But it’s still in nature, on the slopes of a mountain, so I’m happy.

I made the mistake of asking my dad what he thought about the place. He said that it’s okay. Upon his request I told how much I paid for it per night. He then suggested that we go as a family. I told him that the whole point of me going was to be alone.

“You’ll be lonely,” he responded.

“Well, let me experience that loneliness. I need to experience it so that I can enjoy our outings together.”

He did not say anything to this. My cousin is getting married in the middle of Spring Break (here in the southern hemisphere). The wedding will be held in another city which is about 8-9 hours away. So, we want to make it a long weekend away.

My family is pretty close-knit–a little too close-knit really.

I feel really bad about the pizza delivery stories. But I learned my lesson. I guess I miss interacting with others online. Sunday mornings always saw me chatting to the guys on the online forum I joined last year. This is the forum that helped me quit masturbating and begin to accept who I am. I honestly miss that interaction.

I have not spoken to my accountability partner in a week. I miss interacting with him too. I’m afraid of calling him because my parents would want to know who I’m talking to. If you concluded that I feel bad about this too, you are right.

Was there any highlight to your day, Eleazar? There was. I read chapters 1 and 2 of Jendrick’s book, and am in the middle of chapter 3. I also priced some of the exercise accessories he mentioned in his book. This I did at one chain store. There are two other sports shops I will visit.

I can’t believe that I disappointed God again.

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