Impressed to redress
The Lord has brought it to my attention repeatedly that I need to stop doing the Google and Flickr Image searches. It’s wasting my time and opens me up to temptation unnecessarily. So, tonight I was impressed to pray at those times when I want to go to those websites. In all honesty, I’m scared that I will go back on my word or, if you will, fail to execute the decision I made. My will is weak. My confidence in my ability to stick to my decision is non-existent as I’ve tried to quit many times before.
This whole image search thing began as an escape from oppression by porn. You see, when I was still in high school, I used to sit by desk in my room at home and dream about hiking, being completely surrounded by nature: the green of tree and field, the chirping of song birds, the cry of falcon and eagle, the sighting of antelope and the rustling of the wind through the trees. Those scenes transported me to another world far away from my lust and struggle with porn and masturbation, far away from the rejection of friends and cousins my age, far away from self-loathing and self-deprecating behaviour and thoughts
My family wasn’t wealthy and our cars were unreliable so I could not go to parks or nature reserves. And even if my family went, I wouldn’t have gone with them. Using my schoolwork as an excuse, I would’ve stayed home to indulge my lust.
When I got to university and began surfing the Net, I didn’t look for pictures of unspoiled nature. No, I would look at pics of a different kind of nature. I invented a game, of sorts, where I would think of a word, enter it in the search engine’s textbox and see what images the search engine finds. I looked for any word that would pop into my head. Often the subsequent words would be derivatives of the first/primary or synonyms. Sometimes the subsequent words would rhyme of the primary or with any of its derivatives. I would do this for an hour or two, wasting time looking for nothing in particular.
The worst would be when I was bored. That’s when the game became very serious (read pornographic). The game would end when I saw something shocking, at which point I would close the browser and either continue with my work or leave the computer area all together.
So, when I recognised this tendency I began looking for pictures of my age old love: waterfalls and those natural scenes I mentioned above. But, the game knew no bounds. It tarnished these searches too.
(I know that I mentioned this before, but I will say it again for clarity’s sake.) Another thing I did was to search for pictures that reflected my mood. For example, if I felt tired, I searched for images with the key word “tired” and its derivatives. If I felt bored, I entered “bored” and its derivatives into the image search engine.
So, this habit of image searching is deeply ingrained. Now I use it as a means of escape from boring tasks or to focus my mind on something else while I take time to process and find a solution to a problem I’m grappling with. It’s going to be hard to let go of this habit. But “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil. 4:13.
By the way, I befriended two nudists on Yahoo! Answers and got some answers to some of my questions.
This weekend I’m attending a Bible conference. The proceedings started tonight. I went with a heavy hurt as the above burned weighed heavily on my heart. But, the plenary session’s message was thought provoking and cutting. It was during that session that I believe God spoke to me asking me to give the battle to Him. The promise in 1 Chronicles 17:20 came to mind. When the appeal was made I stood up. The speaker challenged us to give our lives over to Christ if we haven’t surrendered everything to Him (yet). He made two appeals.
Tomorrow is a busy day. We will do train ministry in the early morning followed by a couple of plenary sessions and miscellaneous services in the morning. The afternoon we’ll do outreach again followed by an evening plenary session. Monday and Sunday look similar to Saturday; the break out sessions, seminars, workshops, or whatever you want to call it will occur on Sunday and Monday.