After reading my post, Frank (my accountability partner) contacted me. From the post he saw that I had control issues. I was trying to control my future, whom I’ll marry and how I’ll raise my children. He said that there’s no guarantee that I will have boys and that it’s no big deal if the girl I fancy breaks up with me and tells the whole world my past. We’ve all made mistakes and many people deal with the same issues I’m dealing with now. If she does this, her character is revealed showing that I’m better off without her. He asked me to relinquish control to God and allow Him to break down this stronghold which I did.
Now as I reflect on what he said and on my life, a few things are apparent. The reason why I lay so much emphasis on bonding with my sons (if God blesses me with some) is because I only became close to my dad during my senior year in high school. My dad currently works in another town about 800 km away because he can’t find work here where we live. His age counts against him. So I only see him over long weekends and whenever he can take off from work.
If I am blessed with daughters, I know that I will bond well with them as girls generally they are their daddies’ little princesses. Bonding with my sons is important to me because the depth of the bond I want to have with them is not what I have with my dad.
In January 2014 I will go on my first–hopefully not my last–solo retreat. Frank’s message just brought me back to its original purpose: to unplug and spend time with God. That’s why I chose a relatively remote location, in nature where I can roam around naked freely without fear of being seen or stumbled upon; thus not controverting the law. The nudity is just a measure for how far removed from civilisation the place is.
The main purpose of the solo retreat was to unplug and to listen for God. I lost sight of that. The schedule I worked out was so full of Bible study or sermon watching because I had to be busy. If I’m not busy, I will get bored and I don’t want to be bored. I forgot that my soul yearns for not being busy, for drinking in nature and for communing with Christ in the stillness of the moment. It’s like waiting to a drop of water slide off a leaf to plop onto the pond below. So, I relinquished control.
I guess that after the amazing weekend I had, the dissatisfaction I’m experiencing is only normal.
I don’t know what else to say; I’ve got a lot to process. My mind is so tired . . . . Such is life!