Winds of Change: Day 94

Today I was stressed. It started last night already. The anxiety was so much that I felt it as a sexual tension in my body which prevented me from getting the sleep I needed. It was like the time I started this round of abstinence from masturbation.

Back then my thoughts were so focused on my genitals out of fear that I would orgasm. With my body taut with tension the only other way to relieve myself of this kind of anxiety was to stand by the window without a stitch of clothing. I was not prepared to relieve stress through self-stimulation then and definitely not now. So that’s what I did. Every time the anxiety was palpable I got out of bed, prayed and stood by the opened window in my room. The night air was soothing. But there was some activity down below on the street so I had to keep things in check.

All day I felt this sexual tension. It only went away when I spoke to Frank, my accountability partner. I didn’t know why I was stressed but then it dawned on me while I spoke to Frank that the stress is due to me being the only youth leader in my local church. Usually a team of youth leaders is selected, but I’m alone. I don’t like leading alone. Plus I don’t feel worthy of being the youth leader and serving on the church board. This is because of my past and the short distance between me and porn. I’ve also been plagued by feelings of guilt and shame at the temptations I face. So all these things stressed me.

Frank encouraged me to take the post saying that God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. He also said that this is maybe God’s way of nudging me to be the youth leader.

Our conversation turned to the feelings of guilt and shame. I explained to him about the flashbacks I get and the fantasies I see before I realise what they are at which point I stop. He said that sometimes he still gets them but that kind of temptation isn’t confined to lust only. He then illustrated it with an example from his life. Some days you’re in heaven, he said, but other days you will almost be overwhelmed by temptations of lust. The key is to rest in Christ and to submit every thought to Him asking Him for help while standing your ground.

He addressed the fact that my workplace is haunted next. He said that it is just Satan’s way of trying to inspire fear in me. I belong to Christ and as long as I am in Christ, Satan can’t touch me. He approved of my touching my workplace’s walls and asking Jesus to anoint it.

I asked nudist my questions about family nudity, puberty and body acceptance. It’s a very important question in my estimation since I don’t want my children to grow up ashamed of their bodies as I did nor do I want them to equate nudity with sex. I got some replies but none that answer these essential questions. I forgot to ask Frank whether he thinks it’s a good idea to befriend one or two nudists online.

I’m gonna catch some shut eye now; I’m so tired.

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