This post contains mature subject matter. NPU 18.
Itches and Urges
My day started with a battle as I fought the pleasurable sensations and the urge to masturbate that came from cupping my balls for comfort. The battle was fierce as I fought flashbacks of how I relieved the pressure in the past and the realisation that a mere pulling would have the same effect. I resorted to prayer and was careful not to make matters worse.
But, the battle continued this morning as I made my way to work. This time the battle was not about masturbating; it was about possible places my (future) wife and I could go for our honeymoon and what we would do there. These were places that were so remote that we would be free to roam around nude without fear of breaking the law. These were places where the only mark of civilisation was the cottage we would rent. These were places that were close to a body of water in which we would be able to cool down in. These were places I would like to go to for a solo retreat where it’s only God, nature and me. And by going to such places for our honeymoon, I would symbolically be inviting my bride into that communion.
Solo Weekend Getaway
But, the excitement of my solo weekend getaway (as I call it), which will be happening in January 2014, has been getting the better of me. By that I mean I was planning when I would be naked, for how long, what I would be doing during that time, what safety precautions I would take, what food I would make, how I would commune with God, if I would listen to music or watch a series of sermons on DVD, etc. It got so bad that I repeatedly visualised how I would do these things to make sure I didn’t miss a detail. My thoughts also dwelled on what if others see me, how do I handle that situation?
This desire to “just get away from it all” has been fuelling my internet searches for a long time. More often than not when I perform a Google (and now Flickr) image search (again) I look for things I would like to do or places I would like to go to. So, I would really like to wade (skinny dip) in the pool at the bottom end of a waterfall. I would also like to take in and observe nature on a virtually untouched (secluded) beach.
Why? Because my soul yearns for the tranquility of nature and meeting my God there. Similarly, my soul yearns for total acceptance by another human being who loves me so deeply, so unconditionally and whom I love in that way too. That is what I meant by
“. . . and if indeed catastrophe should strike
may our nuclei fuse with cataclysmic might!” — Close
I did not mean that my wife and I should lose our individuality after our happy union breaks apart, but that our union grows deeper, stronger, and becomes more devoted to God our Saviour and each other.
So, because my dreams, hopes and fears interfered with my work, I took some time out to write them down. I wrote down every activity I thought of doing on my solo retreat (sounds better than solo weekend getaway). I also made a list of my dreams.
My initial idea was to place my list of dreams in a bottle and throw the bottle into the sea symbolically giving them over to Christ who would work things out for the good of all the people concerned. After doing this I would not resume searching for pictures of waterfalls, hidden beaches, pristine forests, tranquil lakes, outdoor showers and bathrooms, freedom, and whatever tickles my fancy.
Then I got the awesome idea of building a ship out of toothpicks and setting it adrift instead. If I go with the latter, it will take me a long time to build; but the former allows me to do the thing now, today.
However, I’m having trouble letting go. I would like to retain a copy of the list of my dreams for myself . . .
- for a close communion with the Lord;
- to be my complete, unreserved self with another human being (i.e. wife) who will love me just as I am; and vice versa;
- to raise my children in such a way that we have a close relationship in which they can talk to me about anything and everything; and
- to live in nature–the more pristine, the better–but not too far removed from civilisation; we’re not designed to be hermits.
Yesterday was much the same as today. I spoke to Frank, my accountability partner, who suggested that I leave these desires for intimacy with God and my (future) wife in His hands and in that way stop searching for the scenes from nature.
I had porn flash backs yesterday too. Didn’t realise what they were until today (Day 84).
How God comes through
But, God is faithful. I told Frank that every time I get a flashback, a song of praise or thanksgiving interrupts it as my heart responds by picking up the refrain. When the flashbacks are especially tantalising, I pray and after a while I either sing a hymn or worship song, or my thoughts dwell on some peculiarity of Scripture. Frank was very pleased when I told him this. He said I’m on the right track.