Winds of Change: Days 57-58

Moment of Truth

So, today I had a relapse of sorts. Last week I saw a video on what women think about men in speedos. I expected the video to be kind of like a documentary by which I could actually learn something. Instead it featured men in speedo-like or skimpy swimwear. There was nothing provocative or sexual about these scenes. It was only a video of a guy in different speedo-like swimbriefs on a beach. You could see the waves rolling onto the beach in the background.

I didn’t know it at the time but it triggered me and led me to ask why anyone would wear skimpy underwear or swimwear and why they would wear them if it was so painful to get an erection when your genitals are all buched up in a ball. I saw some pics of guys in such skimpy underwear which triggered the question.

Today I asked how do they fit their genitals into those tight or small pouches? and went looking for the answer. I didn’t get answer. Instead I went down another trail to look at the accessories a retailer of such skimpy underwear has. The first couple of pics were still ok, in the next bunch the men were shielding the genitals from view (I should’ve taken my there but I continued on) and the first pic of the next lot was of a guy in the accessory and his genitals were unshielded. I high-tailed it out of there immediately. That wasn’t what I was looking for. It wasn’t what I expected.

I felt immediate remorse and didn’t want to accept the reality of what I had done. But, I confessed my sins to God and thought about what I would write on this blog and what my accountability partner would say or think. I also began investigating visual triggers. That’s when I realised that I had been triggered.

The whole situation saddens me, but I am happy because I learned something. It’s funny how comforting Christ’s promise in John 8:32 is: “ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” And how true is it not? Knowing that I was triggered enables me to choose not to go to that news site because they frequently feature stuff like the worst sex scenes in movies, the big O(rgasm), Hollywood’s sexiest celebs, Victoria’s secret models, etc. in addition to your normal or regular news items.

Throughout this “ordeal” I felt so helpless. But, thank God it’s all past now.

I will not reset my counter. (That was one the first questions I asked after playing with fire.) This is all part of the recovery process. I’m still working through chapter 8 of Restoring Your Sexuality Back to Biblical Foundations which deals with triggers. It focuses on emotional and psychological triggers which I admit I only focused on too. We neglected the visual triggers which I’ve been subjected to.

Additional triggers

This series of events was exacerbated by my lack of sleep, high stress and anxiety levels (a major trigger of mine), and a slightly depressive mood as I deal with the reality of my failings as a student. And because of these things I did not feel very close to God. When I did my last search on the topic of men’s underwear accessories, I was reading through some articles for the literature review.

My health has not been good either because of the psychological and physical triggers I mentioned above. I’ve come down with the flu. So yesterday after going out in the morning, I went to my aunt’s place and just slept till sunset. My family woke me up to watch a documentary.

So that’s what happened this weekend.

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