Winds of Change: Day 54-56

This entry is slightly of a mature nature.

My crucible

During these past couple of days I did some soul-searching with regards to my thesis. I found an awesome video on YouTube in the guy encourages his viewers to do the things they need or have to do anyway, regardless of how they feel. The guy speaks so passionately. So, last night, determined to do everything it took to finish, I went to the lab and picked up my lab books and notebooks. When I got home I wrote a poem, got ready for bed and slept. But, I didn’t sleep well. I woke up repeatedly throughout the night, body taut because of stress. I even masturbated in my sleep, but didn’t cum. At some point I realised what I was doing, but decided to continue because it was so soothing and then just drifted off to sleep and stopped.

Skimpy men’s underwear and swimwear

I was also plagued by a pic I saw earlier in the day. It was of a guy in skimpy men’s underwear. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get the pic out of my mind. But, then I realised that I had a question about it. How can men wear such tight-fitting underwear that leaves absolutely no room for growth? Isn’t it painful when they develop an erection especially if their penis points up? I wasn’t lusting at all, but my need for understanding things went into overdrive boosted by academic-related stress. The thought of buying such a piece of underwear just to see how painful an experience it really is, did cross my mind, but I won’t waste my money. How do I know that that won’t derail my abstinence?

Stress relievers

And guess what? Because I’m stressing so much the thought that I need to cum for stress relief, but I refuse to. It would be awesome if I could have a wet dream every night, but that’s not likely to happen.  I won’t be going for a massage this month because I had to use the money for something else. I’m coming down with a cold or bronchitis so standing by the window at night is out of the question especially now that the weather has cooled down again. It seemed as if were still in winter because of how hard it rained yesterday.

So, the only way I will get through the mountain of work I have to do is to take it one section at a time. My attitude towards my studies should be same as my attitude for beating porn, masturbation and exhibitionism: I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goal. I always asked God to place me in a tough situation to form my character and this is it. This endeavour is my greatest challenge even greater than beating porn, masturbation and exhibitionism. And by God’s grace I will not fail.

I have one major concern though, i.e. I need my sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep I start making stupid mistakes and I can’t think straight. A lack of sleep leads to more stress and makes sexual temptation stronger. I am also tempted to avoid spending time with God through prayer and Bible study because communing with Him calms me down to the point where I fall asleep mid-prayer or mid-reading. This is my crucible.

The death of a dream

There is a blog in the Word Press blogosphere written by a man who is dealing with the reality of infertility. My heart really goes out to the guy because it’s one of my fears. Of all my relationship and health fears this is one of the greatest—right up there with being cheated on by wife and my best friend (thank God I don’t have a brother!), acquiring HIV via blood transfusion, and being falsely accused of rape, murder or racism. All of these fears involve the death of a dream.

I must say that my turned out well. At some point I just surrendered the whole situation to God and He gave me the peace I needed. Sure, I am still stressed but I know full-well that my God will carry me through.

So, what are your greatest fears? What are your greatest dreams?


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