Winds of Change: Day 51

Below is yesterday’s diary entry. Please be advised that towards the end of the entry things become a little mature in nature.

Light bulb moment

Light bulb moment

Writing advice

I went shopping today. In addition to clothes, I bought Ben Yagoda’s How to Not Write Bad. In it he gives some very helpful advice that have opened my eyes to some of the mistakes I frequently make. Based on what I read so far, I highly recommend this book. He also highlights some of the differences between British and American English.

Search for gender-segregated saunas

I also realised today that my reading material has become unbalanced. I’ve been searching for gender-segregated, non-gay saunas and clothing optional guesthouses in and around the outskirts of my hometown. I also read about sauna culture and routines as well as one post on what to do in case you get an involuntary erection in a co-ed (German) sauna. “Besides taking a cold shower, plunging in a cold pool, or covering the erection with a towel, what other options are there?” is the question I asked. The answer? There are no other options. So, to restore the balance I will read about other subjects because I need material for my other blogs.

When I started this journey of dealing with my body image and self-esteem issues, my beliefs regarding nudity were quite warped and in total disagreement with what God says in the Bible and what my church advocates. Nudity to me was entirely sexual, as I said many times before. So, I looked for Christian nudists who are affiliated to my denomination and came across my church’s official statement regarding its members involvement with nudism. I would like to say that my “modesty pillars” and my personal nudity policy are in agreement with what my denomination says. Although skinny dipping alone in a very remote place is right on the edge, if no one is around and the chance of anyone seeing you is low, it’s the same as skinny dipping in your own back yard at night without any light. (The Biblical aspects I will discuss in a future post.)

Organising my devotional life

The materials I read for my morning and evening devotions I also reviewed. I decided to read Restoring Your Sexuality Back to Biblical Foundations at night and a church issued Bible study guide in the morning.

Mental Music Playback

On Thursday I watched the music video of David Guetta’s Titanium. I couldn’t get the song out of my head no matter how hard I tried to substitute it with other songs I like. Today I realised that the reason why the song looped in my head was because it had no musical ending. As a result my mind continued to replay the song.

My mind finally replaced the song with another when that song was stopped halfway through. This happened repeatedly today when we stopped and started the car.

Withdrawal symptoms

There were moments of palpable temptation especially this morning when I was tempted to go on the internet to look at porn or read something stimulating. I usually did this to give myself an energy boost when I grew tired. But, by God’s grace, I resisted. It happened this afternoon too.

When it happened this afternoon I decided to take a nap. During moments of lucidity, I was tempted to play with myself, but that I resisted as well. I slept in a shorts. And it’s not that I’m not tempted to play with myself when I sleep in the buff; the temptation is just stronger when I sleep in shorts or pants since the fabric and cut of the shorts can be used to create the “needed” tension.

TMI: Spontaneous ejaculations

I also experienced two spontaneous ejaculations: one on Friday and the other on Saturday. Friday’s one happened after I completed my business in the toilet, Saturday’s one occurred while I watched Gravity at the cinema. No orgasms accompanied these ejaculations. I am praying that God will give me a wet dream soon.

Spontaneous ejaculations always make me wonder whether they could’ve been avoided. But, I wasn’t dwelling on anything sexual when these ejaculations happened. So, today I was aware that I could get a spontaneous ejaculation again. And I did want one; I won’t lie. But, I also didn’t want one because I didn’t want to be responsible for causing one which would effectively be masturbation. I am against masturbation.I think that this tug of war–this Chaser Effect–which frequently results from getting (a sexual) high most likely played a role in the temptations to masturbate.

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