Winds of Change: Days 47-49

First off, I want to apologise for not posting every day. The ideal is to post every single day in Winds of Change, but I’m SO tired at night that all I can do is read my Bible and sleep.

The brotherhood of men

I discovered a Turkish hammam in my city which I will be visiting next year because I don’t have any leave left at work. Although full nudity is not allowed, I will still go for the communal experience. I’m looking forward to it.

Dabbling in fantasy

I spent the whole day Wednesday dreaming up a SciFi/Fantasy story. I got stuck at the villain since I didn’t know how to create one, Googled it and finished the plot. I didn’t work out all the details, but the basic structure is there. The whole experience drained me so much that I’m still recovering from the mental exertion as I bounced ideas back and forth in my mind. It is the first and only fantasy story that I completed in my mind. I definitely don’t want a repeat of it.

You can’t imagine how bad I felt about creating the story. It was my main focus for that day. I completely obsessed about it and I hate obsessing about stuff. As it is with fantasy stories, the story contains supernatural elements–more like superhero powers–with a biological basis. To be honest, I felt so far from God, like I couldn’t help myself. But, praise God that He delivers!

Talents, purpose, self-expression

Ever since I saw a classmate of mine perform a poem at high school I’ve had the suppressed desire to perform poetry. The desire surfaces when I see a local Christian poetry group perform at events.

I must say my inspiration for even researching this topic is my friend who is a very artsy person, a graphic designer by profession. If she can do it, then I can too. She inspires me, albeit unknowingly to pursue various artistic avenues for self-expression. Poetry and its performance, creating images on programmes like Inkscape and 3D animation on Blender. She also likes photography which I love as well. But, my lab manager on campus encouraged me to pursue it since I always liked playing with cameras as a child. Unfortunately, photography has taken a back seat until I have enough time to devote to it.

During the time I pled with God to use my talents, show me what they are–if I have any–and give me opportunities to improve them, I was still unsure about whether He actually wants me to use my talents in specific endeavours. I wanted a definite “yes” or “no” from God, a “Thus saith the Lord.” But, it didn’t work that way. Instead different people began telling me or the company I was in to use our talents to bring God glory. It didn’t matter what we did as long as the endeavour is kosher. In the midst of all of this my friend told me, “There comes a time when you just have go out and do it.” And that’s the message I got from a youth conference I attended earlier this year.

That’s when I decided to write. It’s the most inexpensive means of artistic expression. You don’t even need a pen and paper anymore. All you need is a cell phone with the ability to store documents with a large number of characters.

A matter of the heart

My accountability partner told me for the past two weeks that with certain stuff your intention is what determines whether something is sinful. A friend of mine has been telling me for some time, but he is also caught in the grip of porn and masturbation. (I’m doing my best to help him quit.) So, now that I think about it, I thought it was some kind of excuse. Frank, my accountability partner, has been of great help to me. He has shown me that certain things I regarded as sin weren’t sin, but temptation. That was liberating.

I also realised that as I’ve been taking steps to leave porn, masturbation and exhibitionism behind, my ability to express myself through the written word and poetry has increased. I’m pleased, to say the least. Therefore, I highly recommend getting involved in some kind of art if you want to quit. It’s been of help to me.

In my own skin

One last thing before I go, last night and the previous night I stood by window in the buff again, because I woke up sweating. The previous night I was happy to just be there and take in my surroundings again. The weather was nice and warm. Last night I was so excited that I woke up time and again throughout the night to stand by the window.

At first I didn’t understand why I did this. But, today I realised that I like being naked, I’m happy when I am (as long as it’s on my terms else it’s indecent assualt which is a form of non-penetrativerape), and that there is nothing wrong with it. Culture and circumstances as well as moderation dictates when I may partake, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve come a long way from being the shy Eleazar who, ashamed of his naked body, equated it only with sex and perversity. So, I will continue to stand by window naked when I feel like it because I know that my private parts stay private, they cannot be seen from the streets and our neighbouring apartments a just too far away for their inhabitants to make out any details.

How comfortable are you in your skin? And besides writing, do you express yourself by any other means? What are they?

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