Thoughts on Winds of Change: Opening Old Wounds
Day 31’s post really hit me hard. I mean I’m not proud of masturbating or of watching and reading porn, but I am humiliated by my exhibitionistic thoughts. After publishing Winds of Change: Opening Old Wounds yesterday, I was extremely sad. But the Lord reminded me that I am saved not by who I am, how perfect I am or how perfectly I obey Him. No. I am saved by His grace. Ephesians 2:8-10 (KJV) says it best:
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”
I am not perfect and I will never be perfect on my own. But, I serve and worship a God who is in the restoration business. No, that’s not entirely true. He is in the transformation business! And the promise in Lamentation 3:22-23 (KJV) encourages me greatly. I read it further and came across this gem:
“For the Lord will not cast off for ever: But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.” Lamentations 3:31-32 KJV
My accountability partner encouraged me to take the matter to the Lord, to ask Him to point out any more sins in my life to lead me to confession and repentance. He also issued a warning about using the world’s definitions for stuff as the world doesn’t always define things the way God defines them which reminds me of the Scripture that says that God’s wisdom is foolishness to the world and vice versa. The warning is heeded.
Conversation with a sound guy
At the end of the work day yesterday, a man, who is my senior by one year and who has been married for two years, came to work on the soundproofing of the Media Production Room at my work. I had to stay late to supervise the work. He asked me whether I was married or had a girlfriend to which I responded, “No.” We then spoke about being married and being single. The gist of the conversion was: he is married to a woman who is just like his mother; she has a child from a previous relationship and experienced childhood trauma. As a result, she can be very clingy at times as in possessively clingy. He has to manage the situation every day. He is the quiet type, just like me. He didn’t have many friends preferring to play video games, read and watch movies at home, just like me. (Although I don’t play video games anymore, I deem them a waste of time.) He only had two girlfriends and started dating in his late twenties.
He said that he had to learn to help his wife through her trauma and deals with it every day. It was only after they got married (they dated for 6 months) that stuff started to come out. She told him stuff that upset him and they had terrible fights. But, they love each other. “If you love someone you have to fight for your love,” he said. “If that means walking out of the argument to blow off some steam, or getting in your car and drive somewhere, then do it. If you can refrain from saying hurtful things, by all means do it. But, fight for your wife, for your love, for your marriage.”
I asked him about how it is to raise someone else’s child. He said that sometimes he wished the child was his. Luckily, the child’s father isn’t as involved in the child’s life and the child chooses not to have anything to do with his father. That simplifies things for him. I told him about my concerns of helping to raise another man’s child when he wants to be actively involved in their lives. I don’t mind raising a deceased man’s children (that’s very crass, I know), but the situation where the father is still alive scares me. It introduces another dynamic into the relationship which I’m not prepared for.
I think that God sent him to advise me. I guess my wife will most probably someone who has experienced some kind of childhood abuse or trauma. That’s most probably why I am so concerned about falling in love and marrying such a woman. This concern might be God’s way of preparing me to help heal the wife He chooses for me. I’m the kind of person who, when he is concerned or worried about something, will leave no stone unturned to find a solution in the shortest time possible, as I hope you glimpsed in yesterday’s post. And maybe I will marry a woman who has a child? Only time will tell.
A possessively clingy woman I believe I can still live with. But, someone who pulls back from touch as a result of the trauma she experienced is a painful thought and not one I would to live out. But, God in His wisdom knows what’s best. So we’ll see where life takes me.