Winds of Change: Day 30

I woke up early yesterday to phone a friend of mine currently residing overseas. But, for some reason I couldn’t get through to him. The rest of the day I watched TV while I processed some data from experiments I did.

Yesterday before I phoned a friend of mine, I had a compulsion to stand (half-)naked by the window–remember that no one can see my lower body from the street. I tried to resist the thought but gave in to it eventually. Then it got cold so I put some pants on and returned to the window. I saw a drunk man trying to make his way to the street from behind some flats. That’s when, in my mind’s eye, I saw myself dropping my pants and hollering at him to get him to look. But, I just resisted that thought too. I’m no exhibitionist. I felt so dirty and unsettled. So, now I don’t know whether I should stop standing by the window in the middle of the night or not. The activity seems innocent. But, the compulsion I felt troubles me.

I don’t want to stop the activity to be honest because standing by the window is so soothing, so tranquil especially when the moon is out. It makes me think of how it would be to sit by a lake in the wee hours of the morning listening to the water lapping against the shore, the chirping crickets and calls of the nocturnal birds, and the seeing the moon glinting off the lake. I love that. But, the compulsion bothers me.

One day as I walked from school to the train station, I passed a bunch of hobos who sitting on a corner at a major intersection. One guy in his drunken stupor got up and exposed himself to me and some other women who passed by them. I was already troubled by exhibitionistic thoughts at that time, so his act made a great impression on me. Sexual imprinting took place.

On Saturday when my family and I drove passed an Anglican church I saw two hobos talking to each other. One of them was peeing and didn’t use his hands to shield or direct himself. So we saw his penis. And I was imprinted again. So, I think that I was responding to these exposures.

I really hate this. They really spoiled something good. (I guess that’s blame-shifting, isn’t it?) I don’t know what to do though.

Fatigue overwhelmed me the afternoon so slept for about an hour. The evening saw me watch a re-run of Step Up which I felt guilty about because I hadn’t finished processing the data from my experiments. I will have to finish that tonight.

All in all I had a relaxing day although I was emotionally troubled.

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