This post was written last night. The first part is sort of a real time account of an exchange between my parents and I, while the last part is a lack of exchange between me and a girl I like or fell in love with.
I don’t actually feel like writing this post tonight. My mom upset me.
My mom and me
She sees me making my own decisions as being stubborn. She wanted me to take a pain pill after I told her about me picking up a box that just tipped the heaviness scale and feeling something pop where I had a hernia repaired last year. I don’t like taking painkillers because they leave me groggy and I need to be fresh in the morning. I have to process some data. I told her this. She said that she felt like telling me not to pick up the box that my sister should out of fear of me having a relapse.
It upsets me. I’m not an invalid and I need to strengthen my muscles and learn how to pick up heavy stuff correctly (which I did via YouTube videos). It just upsets me so much that she still wants to treat me like a little boy!!!!! So, anyway I just rolled over and said I’ll take the pain killer. I will wake them just before I turn the light off.
My mom just came into my room to check on me.
“I just came to check on you to see if you’re okay. Did you take the pill yet?”
“I will take it before I switch off the light,” I replied irritatedly.
“Then you will be groggy in the morning,” she said.
“It will just have to be because I still have to study my Bible and I want to be fresh while doing so.”
“Well, if you take it you will have about 30 min before the pill kicks in.”
“I don’t want to take it.”
“Then you don’t have to.”
“Okay, then. And by the way, I’m not being stubborn. I just want to make my own decisions.”
My mom didn’t respond to that. She just looked at me out of the corner of her eye as she left the room.
I know that irritation or aggression isn’t the best response. But, how else do I communicate with her? She doesn’t want to understand.
I’m just so irritated with her! Last night and this morning we prepared ten loaves of bread that would be given out to random, homeless people our youth group would meet along one of the main roads in my city. There were 40 loaves of bread distributed among 4 people of which I was one. We had to make sandwiches with jam, peanut butter, cheese, or egg on. My mom and sis made the sandwiches while I either wrapped them or placed them in sandwich bags. Throughout it all my mom complained: “How can they do this to us?”, “It’s unfair.”, “I’m so tired!”, “I need to sleep.”, “This is taking so long!” You get the picture. Usually I would voice my irritation, but I just bit my tongue. My irritation did come through. But I tried my best to hide it.
Then we all became so tired that decided to call it a night. Three and a half loaves still needed to be used. We discussed when we would get up in the morning to finish them. I said that I would wake up at 3am. My sis wanted to wake up at 4am and my mom at 5am. My mom said that 3am is too early. I agreed that it is early but at least I’ll know that the bread is done. If there is still time to sleep before we leave to visit my uncle, I would sleep. She didn’t want me to get up that early so I submitted to her. I decided to not get up at 5am, but at my normal time (5:30am). They take long to get ready and need at least an hour and a half.
My mom and I began to work on the sandwiches at 6am only. They got up on time . I was actually 15 minutes late, that means I only got up at 5:45am. My argument was that we would need more time since my mom and sis had to make pudding for our family gathering, wash, get dressed, wash their hair, put on make up, and all the other stuff women do. We also had to pick food up at an aunt of mine. It turned out that I was right.
I just spoke to my dad now and he said I must ignore what she says. She likes to complain and do everything else I described above. But, if it were my wife, I should not allow her to sit on my head as my mom does. That’s what he did and does.
Overall, my day was good. It was great to be with my dad’s only brother and he’s family for the whole day. I was extremely tired though, but God pulled me through.
Last night before we saw to the sandwiches, I attended a Praise & Worship meeting at church. A Brazilian missionary sang there whom I found very attractive. My social anxiety surfaced when we were divided into groups. I had gone to the car to eat supper which my sister brought. When I returned to the church, I found them divided into groups. There were 6 groups based on the word P-R-A-Y-E-R. I chose the Y-group because two of my friends were there. When I got to them, I saw that the lady was also there. We then moved to a more convenient spot in church for the prayer. The prayer was a petition for God to give us a heart of mission (the theme for the evening).
I asked the girl for her name which she gave, but didn’t reciprocate. I didn’t know where to look or what to say after that. Everyone in the group of 6 was quiet. I really wanted to get to know her. Anyway, to fill the silence I asked the group what we were going to do next. “We pray,” they said. We sorted out the praying order and my friend started the prayer chain which ended with me.
After the programme, I saw a (female) cousin of mine talking to the Brazilian and her friend (also Brazilian) and saw an opportunity to speak to them. I joked about my friend being my wingman and wanting him to come with me. But, he declined. So, I went over to the Brazilians and just sat there like an idiot. They didn’t include me in their conversation. I should’ve left but I stayed there–listened and watched. I felt so bad after that thinking that they thought the worst of me.
That was very out of character for me. I don’t usually do stuff like that. I never even had a girlfriend before. And I’m in no shape now to have on either. I first have to beat my porn addiction. If I get a girlfriend now I will definitely break her heart and leave her worse off for knowing me.