In this post I talk about one of my relationship fears.
While reading chapter 5 entitled “Help! I’m married to a sexually abused spouse” I realised that the chapter deals with one of my worst relationship fears.
(There are many different ways in which I can begin this discourse so I’m just going to randomly pick one and take it from there.) My mom’s late brother, to whom she was the closest to, married a bitter, spiteful, resentful woman. Of course she didn’t appear that way to them at the beginning, but time revealed her character. My family always speaks of how she lied to them when they called to speak to their brother saying that he wasn’t in, or that he was sleeping. They didn’t have the freedom of visiting him when they wanted to. My aunt always shamed him in public emasculating him and what not. He drowned his sorrows with food and she even wanted to take that way from him by forcing him to go on diets and stuff. He was soft-hearted and was a respected member of the community. People looked up to him. I can go on and on and on but you get the picture.
Now my fear is marrying such a woman. A woman who wants to control me. I also fear marrying someone who undergoes a personality change once we’re married. That is my worst nightmare because I’ll be in prison.
Marriage, I believe, is a life-long commitment. The vows “for better or for worse, till death do us part” mean something. And being married to a woman from hell definitely falls under the “for worse” part.
If you read Winds of Change: Damaged Goods [a link will be added here], you will know that I fear rejection. That’s why I decided long ago that if a future girlfriend and I were to break up, the break up is final–no matter how much I might love her. If she breaks up with me, she shouldn’t expect me to pursue her any further. I’ll be done with her and the relationship. The same thing goes for when I’m married and my wife has an affair. I will divorce her and fight for custody of my children even if we have to prove her an unfit mother. I wouldn’t her to influence my children negatively in that area of my life.
So, yeah I’m afraid of marrying a spiteful, bitter, resentful woman or of my wife becoming like that. A woman who draws back from my affectionate touch, who verbally abuses me, who doesn’t want to be intimate with me, not necessarily sexual, and who hates me for no reason even though I move heaven and earth to please her and to minister to her needs.
To be honest I don’t care for sex that much or let me rather put it this way. I don’t care for orgasms and ejaculations. In fact, if we can live without them I would be happy. But, I would still like to have sexual intercourse with my wife because it is the highest form of intimacy husband and wife can experience. I’m also of the persuasion that the let down people report to experience after having orgasmic sex adds to the discontent in many marriages today. So, I know that I wouldn’t want to orgasm that much. But to just be with my wife would be enough for me.
It serves as a birth control method as well. Because I don’t want to go for a vasectomy. Whether she wants her tubes tied or a hysterectomy is her decision. I will support her. Since we are on the topic of contraception, I am an advocate of diaphragms and condoms as well as of male continence (the only good thing to come out of the Oneida community, in my opinion, and which I alluded to above).
The chapter that I read made me realise that this spiteful, bitter, resentful woman that I fear is actually a victim of sexual abuse who has not dealt with her abuse. As her husband I would help her through it even giving up the intimacy I yearn for. But, she would have to seek resolution of her issues too just as I am seeking resolution of mine. To a certain extent we are all damaged goods. The only difference is the degree of damage we incurred.
Forgoing the intimacy with the one I love that I need in order to help her is something that is very tough to swallow. If it’s tough for someone who has only imagined what that kind of intimacy is like, the blending of souls, how much worse is it not for men like my uncle?
I would like to end with this:
“The key to unlock a woman’s body is her emotions and the key to unlock a man’s emotions is through his body.”
I don’t know how true that statement is since I don’t have any experience in that area. But it certainly seems logical and true.
What has your experience been? Do you think the statement is true? Why or why not?