In this post I am very explicit as I bare my soul. The post deals with sexual damage so I will be adding to the sexual imprinting list as found in Winds of Change: Day 06. You are advised not to read this post if you don’t want to know this side of me which I am VERY ashamed of, by the way.
On Friday, I printed chapters 3-7 of the sexuality restoration book my accountability partner gave me. I read through chapter 3, entitled “Sexual Damage” and did the assignment.
Sexual damage follows improper imprinting and perpetuates more damage and wrong sexual imprinting. Where sexual imprinting is the act of recording a sexually stimulating activity, sexual damage is the result.
In addition to the list of firsts in Winds of Change: Day06 , I was sexually imprinted and damaged when my male cousin (same age as me) and I had anal sex and “sword fights” and what not. I damaged him by exposing him to porn in 4th grade and he later damaged me by exposing me to gay stuff and skinny dipping (in a sexual context). My sexual relationship with my cousin lasted till we were in the 7th grade. I only taught him to masturbate when we were in the 5th or 6th grade, once I stated to ejaculate. I’m not proud of all of this and am not looking forward to telling my future girlfriend or fianceé about this in the future. I’m single, by the way.
Sexual damage also occurred when my sister witnessed one of our “sword fights” and wanted to participate. I didn’t want her to be involved so I gave her something “harmless” to do. This only happened once and I didn’t rape/molest my sister nor have an incestuous relationship with her neither did I consider having one with her–just so that we’re clear. Incestuous relationships disgust me even more than masturbation does.
I also damaged our cousin’s cousin when I exposed him to porn.
Anger toward sex
The book also talks about the loss of innocence causing anger to sex. I also experienced this. One day when I was 13 years old, I took a scissors and cut off all the pubic hair that I had at that time in anger. They were the cause of my insatiable sexual appetite, I thought. I wanted to regain my innocence.
Body image issues
As a result of masturbation and pornography, I developed body image issues. I had acne on my back while growing up. In my ignorance, I let my mom pinch out the whiteheads or zits or yellow pimples which left me with dark spots. I also did it when I was alone and ran my hands over my back. And I was scrawny. This is very graphic and personal, please skip:My penis curves to the left and points up. It is also thick. So, naturally I wondered whether I would measure up, whether I would be able to satisfy my wife and not hurt her, whether I would make her so satisfied that she wouldn’t want to leave me, whether I would be able to reach her G-spot and cause her to have the greatest orgasms ever, etc. End of graphic and personal description. I also wondered whether I had HIV due to my earlier sexual activity with my cousin because my penis was thicker than what it was and I lost a lot of weight. I hated my face.
In good humour
The chapter also lists the telling of jokes about sexual issues as a cause of sexual damage. My maternal extended family does this a lot. But, it’s also a form of sex ed in our nuclear family as these jokes give rise to questions which my parents answer.
Another cause of sexual damage is children hearing their parents have sex. I walked in on them once– as described in Winds of Change: Day 06–and heard them have sex once, i.e. I heard the bed creaking rhythmically late at night. As an adult I did hear our two neighbours (both men) having sex in the flat next door. The one partner bleated like a donkey. He was very loud and actually rose me from my sleep.
My cousins who were my age on my mom’s side of the family teased me a lot. They were wealthier than what we were and always used to play with my toys. For some reason my toys always ended up broken. So, I just cut myself off from them. I was still friendly with each other but I had nothing to say to them. I was rejected for wha reasons I don’t know. But, I always lived with the hope that they will accept me for who I am.
I would like to talk about my exhibitionistic thoughts. I just realised the following now. There was a time since my exposure to porn that I drew female stick figures with a hole in the front of their skirts and dresses that revealed their genitals (mostly pubic hair). I used to draw it secretly in class. I stopped drawing these pictures for some reason. The desire for such exposure I later adopted in high school when things really came to head and my identity crisis was in full swing. I would imagine walking home from school with my genitals hanging out through the zip of my pants. It wasn’t to shock anymore but rather to say “I am here.” This I realised last year. Like I said, I did walk around like that in public, but never exposed myself to anyone.
This need for recognition and intimacy with others fed my desire to be naked around others in socially acceptable settings. Since watching Oprah’s interview with Matthew Fox, who played Charlie Salinger in Party of Five, and hearing him say that the best part of life for him was to chill in a hot tub or in the sea with naked with his friends, I had the desire to have that kind of closeness and acceptance with my friends. And that is why I was conceptually drawn to nudism.
This is where I’m supposed to delve into my experiences and share with you the analysis I did. But, this post is so long already and you have stuff to do. My next post might not be a continuation of this but I will most probably return to this topic in the near future.
One last thing
I dread having to share all of this with my girlfriend or fiancée and risk being rejected. I am not ashamed of what I did and thought especially the damage I did to others. I told my dad about my sexual relationship with my cousin and he was cool about it. This happened in the 10th grade. He said that God forgives. And I believe that. But, I still have to be honest with the woman I will marry before we get married. She has the right to know where I have been and how the Lord has led me. She has to know what she’s buying into. This makes me wonder if I will ever get married. I mean no woman would want, respect and love a man like me. So, yeah, let me stop here. That’s a post for another day. 🙂
Thanks for reading.