To sum up yesterday in one sentence: The winds of change are blowing.
My accountability partner gave me some reading material which I am working through. I finished chapter 2 of the 14 chapter book. The author speaks about sexual imprinting which basically means that our sexuality is like soft wax. It will always retain the first imprint it receives. God created us for our first sexual imprint to be that of our spouse. But, as you all know, the world we live in is quite hostile to marriage and sexual purity/fidelity so more often than not our first sexual imprint is on the perverted side such as mine was. (And by perversion I mean anything and everything that goes against God’s ideal for our sexuality.) I’m still praying about what my first sexual imprint was. I’m beginning to suspect that it wasn’t the exposure to pornography and masturbation I received in the 4th grade by a classmate/friend of mine.
A short list of firsts
What’s interesting and strange is that the only time I visited my classmate’s home was to receive sex ed. I can’t remember going back there again. He didn’t rape me or anything like that. He showed me some Playboy and Hustler magazines and told me about the most amazing feeling you get when you rub your genitals and the white stuff that comes out when you continue to do so.
But, like I said I think my exposure to sexual stuff happened way before then. I remember entering my parents’ room and seeing what you think I saw and then I ran back into my room and humped my teddy bear. I was 6 years old at the time.
Then there was the time my cousins gave me the most amazing bath. I don’t remember much except that it was awesome and that as soon as they dressed me, I ran into the bathroom and tried to draw another bath. I opened the hot water tap, got in before the water covered the bottom of the bath. When the front of hot water reached my big toe, its skin split and I bled. How I yelped in pain! So, I think that was my first sexual experience. But, I can’t be too sure since I have no memory of the actual bathing experience.
My dad’s youngest sister scolded me once because I had meisneste, i.e. girls were always on my mind. I don’t know whether that was before or after the exposure to porn though. But, I suspect that it’s because my mom’s side of the family still tease the young kids today about them having girlfriends or boyfriends within the family–i.e. crushes within the family–and at school.
So, I feel strongly that my first sexual imprinting occurred when my cousins bathed. That’s why I’m attracted to older women or at least want them to like me. I would never cross the boundaries though for moral reasons.
The naked connection
We were driving home late at night and passed a house located across from an asylum. I sat in the back seat of the car with my sister next to me. My mom sat in the front passenger seat while my dad drove. We rounded a corner and in shock my mom remarked, “That man is naked and talking on the phone!” I was like “Wwwhhhhaaattt!!!???” in my mind, “Let me see!!!” So I turned to the house that was only our left, but I was too late. We had already passed his house. But the image I imagined my mom saw was imprinted in my mind forever. That’s when the search for naked people in their homes began.
Later the naked and sexual connection would be reinforced by my reading an article of a porn star in Playgirl magazine who desired to have a nudist resort in the middle of the Namibian desert. This article also created the desire to be naked in public places which after studying the matter out this past year left me with the conclusion that it’s wrong morally, ethically and legally.
Practice makes imperfect
Sexual imprinting also occurs through repetitive actions. Masturbation and porn lend themselves to this quite nicely especially for an anxious person like me. And those two became a crutch.
But, God is faithful. He has promised to set us free and restore our sexual imprinting to what He intends for it to be. He has done it for many others and He will do it for me.
Before I move on I’d just like to say that I believe that sexual imprinting is true because a friend of mine never had any sexual experience until he had sex with his male cousin at the age of 17. Since then he considers himself gay. I know it’s controversial and may be deemed homophobic, but that’s just the connection I made.
The author of the book also asked that I choose three verses on healing, restoration, redemption and or miracles and claim them for the next 40 days. So, I chose 2 Chronicles 7:14, Ezekiel 36:25-27, and Galations 2:20.
Just general anxiety about everything: my work, my studies, and my sexual purity. I had no other symptoms. I rung my hands a lot and had the munchies. But, I controlled my appetite.