Yesterday was awesome!
Dealing with anxiety
I was extremely anxious throughout most of the day. I couldn’t figure out whether I really had OCD or whether the OCD symptoms were porn-induced. Then there was also the fact that I got an accountability partner, that I didn’t know how such a relationship worked, nor what he expects from me. There was the worry that my family will become suspicious of my behaviour as I contact him when I don’t want them to know. On a previous occasion my dad requested that I not say anything about my addictions to the rest of my family or to pastors. I also worried about how you all took my previous post because I was very open in it–I bared my soul, so to speak.
Things got so bad that I couldn’t concentrate on my work. So, I just went on my knees in the office (my colleague went home early) and surrendered everything to the Lord. I quoted and claimed His promises and when I got up, my burden was gone. Although I still couldn’t work due to the mental taxation I experienced, I did do other stuff such as responding to emails and what not. I’m grateful for what He did.
A fear faced
On my way to the train station to and from work, I have to pass by a house that has one large, vicious dog and a small Maltese poodle cross-bred dog. I am very scared of dogs. I fear being mauled to death. So, every time I walk passed that house, I pray that the Lord will shut the dogs’ mouths like He shut the mouths of the lions in Daniel’s story. As is my custom, I said the same prayer.
When I got to my work’s entrance gate I saw that the gates of the house were open. I panicked a little. But then I steeled myself, and ask the Lord to protect me and said that I trust Him. I walked passed the house on the opposite side of the road like I usually do. I kept looking straight ahead of me. All of a sudden the big dog barked and charged me. In shock I moved towards the tree to my left ready to climb up it if the dog comes into the street. (I had already worked out a plan for this scenario.) Luckily, the dog didn’t make it passed his gate because they was chained him.
The dog continued barking as I walked behind the tree to the end of the road. I then wondered where the small dog was. Two colleagues told me that the small dog likes biting people. One of them slapped him with her handbag on a number of occasions. The other said that her friend avoids walking that way now because the dog always targets her, even when she’s walking with a group of people. I remembered all of this as I watched out for the dog.
As if on cue the small dog came running out of its yard barking. I was scared but then I just shouted, “Hey!” The dog turned around and ran back to the safety of its yard.
I felt so macho after that–like I could take on any dog. I thanked the Lord for preparing me for this situation. You see, the previous morning I saw the dog walk down to the other end of that street and wondered what I would do if it or the other dog should ever charge me. That’s when I thought of scolding them in a deep, loud voice which should send them packing. So, God gave me the opportunity to test my theory which worked. The big dog also stopped barking when I silenced the small dog. You should also know that I expressed some doubt when I left the safety of work saying to myself, “It would be just like Satan to make those dogs aggressive and make them attack me after I surrendered my life to Christ again.” I believe that that weakness of faith also played a role in what happened. But God saw me through.
So despite all the incapacitating anxiety I experienced yesterday, it turned out well. I was awfully tired though. Don’t know whether it’s a withdrawal symptom or not. But, all is well.
Regarding the OCD worries that I have, I will have to get a formal diagnosis to know what wrong with me for sure. Maybe I’m just a hypochondriac like my grandma? A hypochondriac who focuses on mental illness? Who knows? Who cares? As long as I get to the bottom of this, that’s all that matters. 🙂