Winds of Change: Day 04

Yesterday was awesome!

Dealing with anxiety

I was extremely anxious throughout most of the day. I couldn’t figure out whether I really had OCD or whether the OCD symptoms were porn-induced. Then there was also the fact that I got an accountability partner, that I didn’t know how such a relationship worked, nor what he expects from me. There was the worry that my family will become suspicious of my behaviour as I contact him when I don’t want them to know. On a previous occasion my dad requested that I not say anything about my addictions to the rest of my family or to pastors. I also worried about how you all took my previous post because I was very open in it–I bared my soul, so to speak.

Things got so bad that I couldn’t concentrate on my work. So, I just went on my knees in the office (my colleague went home early) and surrendered everything to the Lord. I quoted and claimed His promises and when I got up, my burden was gone. Although I still couldn’t work due to the mental taxation I experienced, I did do other stuff such as responding to emails and what not. I’m grateful for what He did.

A fear faced

On my way to the train station to and from work, I have to pass by a house that has one large, vicious dog and a small Maltese poodle cross-bred dog. I am very scared of dogs. I fear being mauled to death. So, every time I walk passed that house, I pray that the Lord will shut the dogs’ mouths like He shut the mouths of the lions in Daniel’s story. As is my custom, I said the same prayer.

When I got to my work’s entrance gate I saw that the gates of the house were open. I panicked a little. But then I steeled myself, and ask the Lord to protect me and said that I trust Him. I walked passed the house on the opposite side of the road like I usually do. I kept looking straight ahead of me. All of a sudden the big dog barked and charged me. In shock I moved towards the tree to my left ready to climb up it if the dog comes into the street. (I had already worked out a plan for this scenario.) Luckily, the dog didn’t make it passed his gate because they was chained him.

The dog continued barking as I walked behind the tree to the end of the road. I then wondered where the small dog was. Two colleagues told me that the small dog likes biting people. One of them slapped him with her handbag on a number of occasions. The other said that her friend avoids walking that way now because the dog always targets her, even when she’s walking with a group of people. I remembered all of this as I watched out for the dog.

As if on cue the small dog came running out of its yard barking. I was scared but then I just shouted, “Hey!” The dog turned around and ran back to the safety of its yard.

I felt so macho after that–like I could take on any dog. I thanked the Lord for preparing me for this situation. You see, the previous morning I saw the dog walk down to the other end of that street and wondered what I would do if it or the other dog should ever charge me. That’s when I thought of scolding them in a deep, loud voice which should send them packing. So, God gave me the opportunity to test my theory which worked. The big dog also stopped barking when I silenced the small dog. You should also know that I expressed some doubt when I left the safety of work saying to myself, “It would be just like Satan to make those dogs aggressive and make them attack me after I surrendered my life to Christ again.” I believe that that weakness of faith also played a role in what happened. But God saw me through.

So despite all the incapacitating anxiety I experienced yesterday, it turned out well. I was awfully tired though. Don’t know whether it’s a withdrawal symptom or not. But, all is well.

Regarding the OCD worries that I have, I will have to get a formal diagnosis to know what wrong with me for sure. Maybe I’m just a hypochondriac like my grandma? A hypochondriac who focuses on mental illness? Who knows? Who cares? As long as I get to the bottom of this, that’s all that matters. 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Winds of Change: Day 04

  1. Well you sure had a busy day! 2 things i’d like to say:
    1 – when we ‘bear our souls’ (so to speak) we allow light to penetrate into the darkness. satan cannot hold in bondage that which is not in darkness. the fact that your dad tells you not to tell anyone is simply his was of trying to control the situation (which is completely normal) and to avoid you facing embarresment.
    2 – the tiredness you are experiencing is very normal – especially when fighting addiction such as this. your spirit is fighting and your flesh is at war with your spirit. we must understand that we contend not with flesh and blood but that the fight is in the spiritual. stick to your guns, lay into Jesus, rest in Him and walk in victory.
    I applaud you!!

    Reply

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