Winds of Change: Day 02

Today went well. I was very excited about this abstinence from porn and felt the same way I felt when my masturbation abstinence started last year.

Withdrawal symptoms

I continued reading the document on porn withdrawal symptoms and realised that in the last two weeks I experienced night sweats. I didn’t think much of the night sweats because it is getting warmer here and I sleep underneath five layers of bedding: one blanket, one summer duvet, and three comforters.

Reading the document was a good thing to do because now I know what to expect. The two most common withdrawal symptoms the people report are anxiety and mood swings (almost manic depressive). I experienced my fair share of this during my teens and learned to manage anxiety reasonably well last year. Now my anxiety is going to shoot through the roof as will my irritability.

I was a little anxious to hear from the guy who offered to help me. He hasn’t responded yet.

HOCD?

Some guys mentioned about having to deal with HOCD. Not knowing what it was, I did a little investigating and came across a page by one of the supposedly leading researchers in the field. HOCD stands for homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. Basically, people (mostly men) suffer from this when they worry about being gay. It’s not homophobia but they obsess about it looking for signs that they might (not) be gay.

It reminded me about myself a few years back. I went through an intense period of HOCD at the end of my first year in college because I had confined myself to only look at pics of naked men, not the erotic, gay kind, just dick pics and amateur photos. I did this because I didn’t want to objectify women and because I’m a man and wanted to compare myself to those men. I didn’t watch gay porn or any of the hard core porn stuff. I just found them too disturbing. But, looking at pics were okay, I reasoned, because I’m a guy. Guys look at each other albeit unobtrusively in locker rooms and public showers. I never played sports at school so I didn’t have that experience therefore I was entitled to looking at these men, their dicks and their underwear, I thought. But, I was wrong.

I’m not going to go into detail of my early childhood experiences of being sidelined by my cousins for some reason still unknown to me and me feeling like an outsider at school, both at primary and high school. Other stuff happened as well… The point is all these things had me worrying about whether I was gay or not. And although I settled on being straight the nagging thoughts were still there. Why am I so uncomfortable around shirtless guys? Why do I check out which way guys’ penises hang? Why do I want to know whether they freeball? and other questions.

It wasn’t until I talked to some gay guys I met online in the forum that motivated me to stop masturbating that I began to confront these issues and came to the conclusion that I am not gay.  There is another article that I read that influenced me in this regard.  I was and still am socially awkward because of many confounding factors that I will not get into now.

Massage and addictions

Somehow I ended up reading up on the use of massage therapy to treat addictions wondering whether it will help me. I get a massage once a month. I’m considering going twice a month but it will strain me financially. But, we’ll see how things work out. I still want to go away for a weekend sometime soon. So, we’ll see.

Tomorrow is another day. Day 03 of Week 1. And Monday. With a deadline. God help me. 🙂

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